content with where i am

the King of Hearts

2012-02-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

In lieu of Valentines Day being just around the corner, I thought I'd follow up from my post about the recent purges in my life. There's something else that has been, despite my objections, recently removed from my life: boys/romance/relationships.

The simplified version of my overall relationship with relationships is that it's ugly. I was raised without a dad after the first five years of my life. As my sister likes to refer to it, I have "daddy issues."
That concept can manifest itself in so many different ways and can be a product of so many different types of depraved father situations. I use the word "depraved" loosely to mean absent father, irresponsible, immature, selfish, lost father... Some people are unaffected by getting dealt one of these hands. Some women, God bless them, are strong and independent and smart enough to have an honest and healthy view of love, romance, and relationships, despite not directly receiving an example of one growing up. Women that I've met have landed no where really in that healthy middle section of this spectrum: The one who guards her heart, mind, soul, and body, and puts on a tough exterior that no man can possibly "crack," so as to avoid disappointment, rejection, and hurt. That guardedness can take a lot of forms I think, but I think it's a kind of protection they put around themselves that can turn out to be detrimental in relationships because of a lack of trust and vulnerability where they're worthy; then the other end, the one who is longingly looking to fill a void that she has experienced without the love, discipline, protection, and guardianship only a dad can offer. That's the profile I fit into pretty well. Don't get me wrong -- my mom is a saint. She has been the best mom-and-dad combo that I possibly could have ever asked for. I constantly look at her reflecting on my own life and wonder how I am ever going to love outside of myself in the way that she consistently has loved Lesley and I. But there is something inherently different about the way a mom loves her children, and the way a dad does. In the same way, there is something inherently different about the approval and love and affection of females and that of males. The way a man loves is different. I missed out on that.

I do not want to put this on a pedestal as the be-all-end-all defining aspect of who I am. My father passing away 19 years ago makes me no less or no more me than I would have been otherwise. God has purposed all of this to his plan and for that, I am grateful. That is why I blog. Because if there is a slight chance someone feels understood through my experience, he delights in that. That is just a thing that has happened to me... a thread in my blanket... a part of my story.

As a result of my manlessness, I have relentlessly tried to satisfy a deep longing with relationships. And relationship after relationship after relationship left me feeling more empty, tired, and lonely than I did before. I was missing something and I knew what it was... but I didn't want to give it enough of a chance because I was so sure that without the instant and tangible affirmations and love in a physical form, that it wouldn't fill my deepest needs.
I had no idea that God could because he's God. He's just so invisible... he's big and all universal and abstract. I can't hold his hand or be held in his arms when I'm sad or watch movies with him or have him give me advice. I can't watch him laugh at my jokes or be spoiled by his acts of service or have him surprise me randomly when I need it the most.... can I?
I had God in a box. I didn't understand that he can do all those things and fill all those needs plus much more... SO MUCH MORE.

God is everlasting, eternal, great, and incomprehensible. But he is also the most intimate, kind, and caring entity there is to ever possibly be experienced. I never "gave up men" because God cares enough for me, and knows me well enough, that he just whisked them away from me for this season. He did what he needed in order to help me recognize his outstretched arms just waiting for me to fall into. He knew I needed to be undistracted to romance me the way I've been longing to be romanced.

For the past decade of my life, the very best of what I had to offer was being poured into these relationships that were unworthy. My firsts and my bests belong to God because they were never mine to begin with. In recognizing and following through with that truth, the desires of my heart are being satisfied.

It's still fresh for me to be single. Single is not something I am use to. One thing I love about, though, it is all the extra time I have now to spend with God. I love that I don't have a man to run to so when I get tired or lonely or insecure or stressed, I just turn to him and it's way better than going to a man. He doesn't feel burdened by me either - he actually delights in that because he desires to cast out that fear and sadness with his love. He keeps pouring into me in places where there simply was no room for before - and I'm being serious when I say it's way better. Some day, when I'm ready, I will be able to date again. But it will be a very special person that my heart is being prepared for right now. Through this time of healing and devotion, not only am I learning the significance of a greater love, but my heart is being prepared to love someone else better than I've ever been able to.
I'll be sharing this Valentines Day with my dad, my lover, my best friend, and the King of my heart.

20[X]10

2012-02-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

So I had a conversation with someone last night who, when I said I graduated from St. FX, asked me "Sooo do you have your special RING?"
SADLY, I lost my special ring. It's possible that it fell through a crack somewhere in the art barn and is still there... just waiting for someone to move some random object or piece of furniture to find it and then (hopefully) tell Aunty Jon so that he can call me and tell me some wonderful news.
or... it's possible that it fell on the valley trail, was left beside a pub sink, fell on the ground in the middle of the village, or at one of the places I worked at.
They say that people are almost always reunited with their X-rings. I believe in that. I believe I will have mine again someday. So I am making this blog post as an add. In the slight chance someone has it and googles one of the follow descriptive items:
lost and/or found; women's university grad x-ring: shiny gold ring with black x on the face; year 2010; 20 on one side and 10 on the other side of the X in the middle; with an engraving... engraved with B.A. Psyc and Love underneath; from St. FX - St. Francis Xavier University
I want to find you. I miss you.
Last seen somewhere in Whistler, BC
If you have found this ring please just tell me. my e-mail is renam863@gmail.com
I will personally give you a really big hug, and take you out for a very fancy thanksgiving and celebratory feast at restaurant of your choice.
Love,
Rena

hey MEN

2012-01-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, I wanted to say something on behalf of other women (especially women of virtue) to you regarding "Shit Guys Don't Say." The youtube video just popped up in my newsfeed and the whole thing is about sex and how a man is not suppose to feel or act about girls and relationships. The crap guys have to put up with when it comes to definitions of gender and how our society defines being a man... it infuriates me. We're so confused about gender identity that men often fall on opposite ends of the spectrum of how "manly" they are - like if they are anywhere in the grey by our social definitions of sexuality, they get dubbed as "pussy" (awesome word, BTW), effeminate, or goodness forbid, gay. This is just a guess but I get the feeling that a lot of men who are heterosexual feel an immense amount of pressure in our society to prove their masculinity by following all of the gender rules we have for what it means to be a man.
I want to just say that those ideas are crap. I want to tell you that you have freedom to be sensitive, to love with your whole heart, to be vulnerable, and to care about something other than how far you can hock a loogie (or whatever it is these days that men compete with each other in).
Some of the "shit guys don't say" were: "I really don't want to take advantage of you when you're drunk"
"You're best friend is getting married...? such great news"
"Do you just wanna cuddle?"
"I think I might wanna stop and ask for directions?"

I get it. It's funny. Guys are guys and girls are girls for a reason. But guys, just guard your hearts against the lies that the media feeds us that to be a man, you have to be an insincere, unemotional, and insensitive asshole.
I just want to comment on the quotes...
#1. This is basically saying that being respectful of a woman's dignity is unmanly - like it's not a "guy" thing to do to tread carefully with intoxicated girls and help them get home [alone] safely rather than take advantage of their openness? Wow. This opens a whole new can of worms and I need to leave it there.
#2. That guys can't be excited about marriage? false. It'd be a red flag for sure if you weren't stoked on marriage. The last thing I want to do is date a guy that doesn't feel the act of marriage is valuable or meaningful and awesome.
#3. It's such a misconception that all men want is sex. It doesn't mean you're not manly if that's not true for you... quite the opposite. I'm sure you get it if you get it.
#4. Guys, you don't have to have the answer to everything all the time. We don't marry you to "fix" everything. We marry you because you're normal and imperfect and we want to be a team and problem solve together. Although it can be handy, your sense of direction does not prove your manhood, nor does you ability to change a flat.

Christian guys, you know that being a man is defined in such a different way by God. I feel like every christian guy has heard a sermon about what it means to be a man and how to be the head of a household or what the bible says about your role as a husband, father, brother, and friend. My purpose in writing this is to affirm that truth from a woman's perspective and tell you we really actually don't want you to be that typical Ashton-Kutcher/Matthew-McConaughy character in those romantic comedies about the dick guy that gets the girl. I feel like most guys in my life aren't like that but maybe they feel pressure to be so sometimes they say things out of character or really offside and then laugh it off like it's funny. Your virtue will go a lot further than your charm. There is a kind of girl that goes for that Matthew-McConaughy-character kind of guy - do not get me wrong. And if that's the kind of girl you want, then you're not ready for this blog. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say the kind of girl you want to land is not the kid of girl that feeds off of insensitive and sexual humor and/or the "Uhhh I dunno... I don't care... dude" personality because she's already confident in her identity. The kind of girl that personality attracts is insecure and insecurity breeds drama - a difficult and unfulfilling relationship.

And I'm not pointing fingers without also admitting experience as that girl. I know what she's like and I know who she is because I was her at one point... that's why I can talk about her. So I suppose this could also be a message for the ladies as well.
Rant, rant, rant. I said what I needed to...
I'm done for the day.
I feel like I could say a lot but I'll leave it. I know guys don't really listen to girls anyways...

trying proverbs 22:3

2012-01-11T18:29:00.000-08:00

So I've recently discovered I am one of the most boring friends to have. I'm like that friend that went from super cool to super lame when she decided to go to med school and all of a sudden had no time to do anything fun anymore. Except way less awesome because I don't even have the "well, at least she's going to be a doctor at the end of all of this. that will be worth it."
Going through the whole elimination diet thing to find out what my body is actually intolerant to, I'm discovering a most-possible intolerance to gluten and gluten, for those of you who don't know, is probably in like 85-90% of what you normally eat. Yadayadayada. Everyone and their dog these days is GF so that's no real shock. Apparently, a lot more people are and just don't know it yet. I really feel no need to go on about this except that I just want to say one thing: I'm sorry to my friends to be that person who has an eating restriction. I've always been the "I'll eat anything" person so now I feel annoying when we go out to eat and I have to be picky - I don't want to be!
Two of my new years resolutions (for 6 months) were: no more espresso drinks and no buying clothes. That means if we go for coffee, I'm being boring and buying a boring drip. This also means if we go shopping, you're shopping and I'm watching (slash maybe being tempted and therefore, frustrated, but mostly by choice). So there is three things that make me boring. For spiritual and emotional reasons, I've given up drinking. That means if we go out "for a beer" now, I am getting... a coke? Way to make you feel awkward about that beer you just ordered.
So yeah, for all those reasons, since the past few months, my life has had some restrictions put on it. I still consider myself a free-bird at heart and I know I am a good time, but the things I do with my time and how I am with my friends might look very different today than they did 3 months ago. It's not like one day I woke up and decided to drop all of these things from my life just to practice discipline or punish myself for spending too much money or something. These restrictions on my life were in part a choice and in part, a submission to the obvious direction my life was taking - something outside of myself was taking it there. It was gradual... & became easy when I didn't want those things anymore anyway. I just feel callings in areas of my life that need fine tuning, and I'm not trying to be radical, but sometimes, friends, we need to be radical in order to progress. We've seasons of baby steps & little acts of faith; & we have seasons of enormous leaps that leave us vulnerable & overjoyed at the same time. I've been talking to God a lot more lately. I've been trying to see what he wants to tell me.
It has been crystal clear to me that I am in a season in my life where there are things - big things - in my life that I need to be freed from; there are things that captivate my affection and hold it hostage so much that I can't enjoy a freedom of finding true joy in God. Part of that is my identity in the way I dress, the friends I have, how much people take to me or like me, how many texts I might get (my battery has been lasting so much longer these days!), the way my hair looks. Anything and everything from the earrings I put on in the morning to the way I laugh after a joke I didn't get but know I should have. It's okay to take care of yourself, but it's not okay to look to people's praise to define who and how-great you are. There are things I've done, and still do, that are evidence of my attachment to the approval of others. It's slowly but surely, only by God's perfect grace, being changed.
Giving up things that cost money is my way of being more aware of how I can give sacrificially to others, and not just satisfy an appetite I have in a moment of weakness, or fill a void of love with trying to look "Vancouver-hip" with cute style. At the end of the day, the lesson I'm trying to learn is that it's not about me.
Putting an end to something that has become such a regular part of my life, drinking, is causing me to take a deeper and more critical look at myself -- who I am and what my identity is. What are the jokes I love? Who are the people who make me the most happy? How am I a good friend? How do I relate to people? These are questions that don't get answered under the influence because the lines are blurred and all of a sudden, we're everyone's friend, and have a deluded sense of confidence in ourselves, and trust in others. That alters my reality even in sobriety because I'm not sure what's real and what's not anymore. I lose sight and clarity of thought and emotion. It's not that I don't love being drunk, it's that I love being drunk for the wrong reasons and too much. Because it temporarily fills in a gap that has been eroding from years of putting my trust in all the wrong things, when that gap can only be made whole when I let him make me completely new -- that means being made in His image (Colossians 3:10) & being "transformed" (2 Corinthians 3:18). It sounds huge. It is.
I know decisions like these aren't for everyone and my goal isn't to prove that it's right -- just that it's right for me. The longer I go without it, the less I want it and I see that as God's awesome way of boosting my confidence that it is the right decision for me.
And even though this is probably the one decision that will affect my social life the most, and maybe make me seem lame now, I'm not apologizing for it like I apologize for not being able to split a pizza with you.
This is an incredibly scary blog to write because the last thing I want is a bunch of eyes on me just waiting for me to fail at this new... ness. But that's not what this is about. If it were about me and my actions and disobedience then I might as well crawl under a rock and stay there for eternity.
And I'm not over-thinking. Maybe anyone who thinks that should just think more... maybe more about pushing themselves and less about the people around them. I'm thinking a good amount. I've spent too much time under-thinking.
I'm not perfect.
I'm striving [without ceasing] because my heart has been captivated by something incredible & perfect.
It's now or never.
I was wrong; I'm not changing, I am being changed.
I'm learning.
I'm learning about suffering.
I'm learning how to lean on not my efforts, but my knowledge that I've been forgiven as far as the East is from the West (Psalm 103:12); & that I'm given all the power, love, wisdom and self-discipline I need (2 Timothy 1:7)
Go figure beer is my drink of choice anyways and is not GF. Ohhh... so ironic.

PS. this isn't the whole story. ask me if you're still curious :)

I just got this letter...

2011-12-23T10:09:00.001-08:00

Rena, have you learned nothing?

How can you expect yourself to feel an instinctual, passionate, abandoned loyalty and love towards the One that you don't spend time with?

If it were a man in your life and you just kept reading things about him, talking about him with friends, listening to what his best friends have to say about him and what kind of guy he is, but never actually spend intimate time with him yourself, you know your level of affection would have a limit... one that is very low... too low to sustain a healthy, interactive relationship.

Furthermore, if you finally really started to spend some time with him, but only talked about yourself, your needs, and your interest in getting to know him, rather than hearing his voice and allowing yourself to experience his heart by listening to him, you would stop caring about him and grow bored. You will grow bored of listening to your own voice complaining and requesting when you already know that he is the one for you.

Stop trying to gain Him, Rena.

Stop trying to experience Him by playing the part that you've learned you should play, reading the instructions on how to live in relationship with Him, but never actually throwing yourself into His arms and letting His embrace warm you from head to toe and change you from the inside out. It's the difference between trying to pick off all of the burnt bits seemingly cemented to the inside of a casserole dish with your fingernails rather than allowing hot water and soap do all of that work overnight while you sleep.

In His own perfect power, and in His own perfect way, it's His love that does the work - not you and your struggle to change.

Love,

Rena

gluten, i'm sorry but we are so done.

2011-12-21T14:13:00.000-08:00

yes, you're delicious, but you're ruining everything. i'm not going to miss you at all. i'm moving on...

if my heart was a compass, You'd be north

2011-12-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

the themes of my Christmas break, aside from trying to remind myself the reason we celebrate, are to be simple; to stop & think; to dream and set goals; to try to listen, both to others and myself but more importantly, to god; & just... to really know. i want to pay more attention to the page than the screen, more the pen than the keyboard, more the wind than the radio, more the Him than the me...
throughout some of this quiet time & attempts at reflection, i've finally kind of had an awakening about the path i'm on in my education - specifically, why the program i'm currently in isn't leaving me with the warm fuzzies i was expecting. since i started the BEd program at UBC in early september, i knew there was something missing. i know i love kids, and i know i'm stinking good with them. i know i can be stinking good at teaching them & this is what i've been planning on doing with myself for 6 years now. so why don't i have that same fervency my peers all seem to embody? i know that this isn't about them and that i shouldn't compare, but it stirs concern in me because i've been watching their eager engagement with the curriculum, extracurricular workshops, projects, reflections, class disscussion, etc., and i can't help but feel like i'm just not there. & i know i should be.
this is true for me full stop: i'm not a sport for complacency & i don't take it lightly i've been blessed and fortunate enough to be born in a country and circumstance of opportunity. i believe in finding true joy everyday in something outside of yourself everyday. & if you can get paid for it, that's just an added bonus. & if that something is rejected by society, well... even better:). although i don't always understand them, i admire in the "happy radical" who just relishes in his/her detachment from people-pleasing or fear of rejection.
i don't remember the last time i've felt this estranged: suddenly the career i've had my heart set on since 2006 no longer seems like my happily-ever-after. i knew this for a while but i kind of just compartmentalized it until i had time to sift through a little bit. it's not that i don't love my program. ubc is a great school and they've developed an incredible program for my cohort centered around ethical issues, social justice, diversity, inclusion, and genuine love for our students.
it's not that i don't love my placement. i'm placed with an awesome group of grade 5/6 kids whose teacher (my mentor) is phenomenal at what she does. & she gives the best feedback and guidance i could ever ask for.
it's not that i've discovered i don't love kids. in case anything is unclear: i love love looooove children. of all shapes and sizes. i love their imagination, their joy, their simple, tenderhearted, untainted sense of justice, and their excitement for learning and complete dependance on, and love for, the models in their lives. i love their energy and fragility & they are the pb to my celery. just to be clear.
it's just that my heart is not in teaching. & it was finally my honesty with mom this morning during our typical coffee-chat (that i've missed oh-so-much) that brought about the truth: i just don't love teaching. as i thought back to being a camp counselor, it became so obvious: my least favorite part of the days were teaching instructional activities. why? because it usually gave me little chance to get to know the hearts of the kids. my heart is in hearts - stories, feelings, passions, love, difficulty, social-learning and development. my heart isn't in educating minds; it's in enriching, inspiring, and encouraging hearts. although we are being trained to be involved with our students on an individual basis, our primary responsibilities are to educate, train, and build-up and to meet irp's to ensure that our students are being adequately equipped for the next grade. although i feel this is of incredible worth and value to children's lives, i know it would break my heart to be in front of a classroom teaching to the children and meeting this standards, because i'd want so badly, but simply wouldn't have time, to be sitting in with them, listening to their hearts, & guiding them socially.
when rubber hits the road, i'm not stressed about it because i know who is in control. & though ironic, His plan is also entirely loving. i'm not going to quit this program. i think that i am right where i'm suppose to be because even if being an elementary school teacher isn't exactly the dream job for me, i don't know what is. i believe in my whole heart this will simply be used as another vessel in steering me where i know God wants me. After all, my steps are directed by Him. how then can i understand my own way? (Proverbs 20:24). i believe in His purpose in where i am right now. beyond that, i have no idea, i have no control, & i'm excited to see His purpose in my life unfold.

christmastime: it's good.

2011-12-16T18:53:00.000-08:00

things about home that are awesome:

- mom's warm sock collection
- fleece sheets
- bath salts & bubble bath
- baking ingredients!!
- HOOKAH
- deep-clean-everything
- 3 murray gals under one roof (this is a double-edge sword)
- celeb status everywhere you go
- 5 minutes to get anywhere you could possibly think of going
- the landing (running trail)
- fresh coffee, in the pot, ready to go, e'ry morning.
- real christmas trees
- christmas lights enthusiasm all over town
- piano and guitar
- my own escort
- tripple-ply-toilet-paper
- surround sound
- spring water
- CHEESE
- personal alarm service
- bright bathroom lights (i can see my pores!)
- memories all over the walls
- smell of cinnamon and evergreen
- guilt-free heat
- groceries with mom
- devo partner

so catchy

2011-12-09T09:55:00.000-08:00

i first heard this song as a cover on Glee [guilty pleasure]. aside from the message of this song, i must say, how enchanting are these artists slash, this song. how charming. how sexy.

the fruit of obedience.

2011-12-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

Living modestly is something that I can't really boast about doing. I sometimes try to because I don't own that new coat, or that new gadget, or I don't buy real leather. But the truth is, if I was good with my money, I probably would buy those things. I don't own a car, I use an LG Rumor, & the only time I buy articles of clothing unthrifted, they are almost always a really good sale. But I still never have money for anything it seems and there are always things that I am coveting that other people have that I just simply can't afford. So I use this cop-out that I just like to "live more modestly"... so here is my confession.
& the time has come. I knew this day would come ever since I heard that another camp counsellor at Sandy Hill, Lizzie, was doing a fashion-fast - she was going one entire year without purchasing any articles of clothing. When I first heard about that, I thought it was something I could never do. But it was the same thought that gave me the inkling that someday I would be convicted to do the same. You're always convicted to do things that are hard... relatively difficult for you. It reminds me of my catholic friends growing up who would be like "for Lent this year, I'm giving up... BROCCOLI." Like... Joke's. On. You, Jesus.

But today was the day that conviction took a strong hold on my heart. I borrowed Blue Like Jazz (get it!) from my awesome possum Community Group leaders, Scott&Jo-Lee, and the author, Donald Miller, is so much like me it kinda blows my mind. Not in every sense, but in so many, do I feel like he is revealing more layers of me than I've had revealed in so long. It kind stings but in some ways, it is so relieving just because at least now I know someone else understands... that I'm not totally crazy. Today I wrapped up the chapter on Community, and started reading the chapter about Money. I predicted it would be a bad one.
& I was right.
A few weeks ago I took the members class at Westside and of course, on the topic of becoming a member of a church, you have to talk about the T-word... tithing. [insert collar-tugging-tongue-sticking-out-face]. I raised my hand as a challenge to Pastor Chad: "I feel like I'm not really a part of this conversation. As a student, all the money I have is the governments... if I'm not technically making money, how am I suppose to reasonably tithe off of what I'm not making?"
His response was really similar to the response that Donald Miller's pastor had for him when he was struggling with the same thing: "When we do what God wants us to do, we are blessed, we are spiritually healthy. God wants us to give a portion of our money to His work on earth. By setting aside money, you are trusting God to provide."
Essentially, it's not about the amount. It's about the sacrificial attitude. The way Chad said it made my heart sink a little. He brought up the fact that you might buy a few lattes or meals-out throughout the week... you might splurge on yourself a little with a glass of wine with a friend. If you can do that with this money, then you can give to God. If I truly believed that everything I have is ultimately God's anyways, how can I spend another dime on something I don't need?

I know that my $10/week isn't going to make much of any substantial difference in Westside's ministry. Not on the surface anyways. But that $10/week (& I'm just using $10 because it's probably about how much I spend on my extra-hot-no-foam-soy-sugar-free-cinnamon-dolce-americano-misto's... YAP, that's my drink) is going to make so much of a difference in God's kingdom both by how my heart is changed in the process of giving with a thankful heart, and in the way that God's provision can be displayed in our acts of faith towards things like money.
Miller talks about his friend, Penny, who did the year long fashion-fast and it clicked that it was something I needed to do. And I am not posting this for a pat on the back or something. I don't want that at all because I realize that will completely cancel out the purpose behind it - it's for His glory, not mine. It's not some kind of martyrdom... & even if it was, I don't think the martyr wants glory to be given to anyone but the person they are being martyrd for. But, excuse me... I digress. The reason I write this on my public blog is because I want to be held accountable. If I keep it to myself or only a few people, it seems less likely that I will stick to it.

I've learned about discipline in the last 6 weeks giving up gluten and [almost] dairy (okay I cheated on gluten like twice). It's so hard to say no to those wonderful and delicious looking things you're so use to eating. It takes discipline to say no. But I've learned something about discipline - it actually feels really great. It's inspired me to try discipline in other areas.

My point is, I am crap with money. I am on a student loan, and budgeting to the best of my abilities, but my money goes "down the drain" on things I don't need, and they are always things for myself. My giving ability is incredibly limited and I'll be the first to admit it. I feel like I am constantly receiving and never giving and how is this any benefit to the kingdom?
So I am taking this conviction as an opportunity to do something. Starting January 1st (and NO, it's not a new years resolution... it's just a First of the month thing...) I will:
- not buy any article of clothing, including socks, hats, wallets, shoes, jewelry, for SIX-MONTHS (I could try a year but I feel like if my goal is more realistic, I'll be more successful)
- not buy any more espresso drinks for SIX-MONTHS (drip or tea is okay & that's simply because "coffee dates" are important for community and friendship and those drinks are cheaper alternatives)
- give more. to the church, to others, and to the needy. I haven't decided what that will look numerically like but it's in the works.

So here is my declaration. My mom is in complete disbelief. Just to show how reluctant I am to actually do this, after I read this chapter, I went out and bought a pair of pants... haha like in such panic that I am not going to be able to get them after January 1st. I texted mom to tell her about my idea and her exact response: "Hmmm... okai... whateva"
Clearly she's not buying it. And I don't blame her. My past has shown how terrible I am at money. Money, more notably, sacrifice, giving, commitment, and discipline.
So here goes nothing...

CS Lewis, you get me.

2011-12-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

CS Lewis

quality time

2011-11-21T12:47:00.001-08:00

i've discovered that i have a lot of time on my hands since i've gone off facebook & found many other great and useless things you can do other than go on facebook.

here is a list I've compiled entitled "Things You Can Do Other Than Facebook" (it turns out there are a whole buncha things but i narrowed it down to these favorites)

take naps & enjoy REM: you know that awkward moment when you go to take an awesome nap and find yourself still living vicariously through other people's facebook lives half an hour later...
get out there and... go shopping!: spending money takes your mind off of problems you may be facing such as lack of friends or... being poor, for example
skype your long distance friends and lovers: & discover that you actually have no idea what they've been up to (i.e., getting pregnant, getting jobs, winning the lottery, etc)
reconnect with your ex's: seriously. brilliant thinking. it's good for stimulating your intellect as well as your emotions.
think of and find even more amazing/hilarious things to tweet about:

get into shape: this isn't useless at all actually... if you actually do more than simply consider doing it
make guacamole (&other high-rated recipes you stumbleupon): & then eat it
stumble your life away: "just one more stumble... ohmyeyesareshutting[&yup,ijusthadadreamithink]... just ONE more stumble..."
look at pictures of bridal gowns & weddings: while listening to joshua radin and bright eyes. gross.
go out on coffee dates with friends & talk about life: this tends to lead to caffeine overdoses so i would suggest opting for decafe
make lists: case in point.
text more: it's way more personal than posting on people's walls because it's just between you and that one person
paint a picture: it's a good way to express yourself. it's like therapy you can look at after.
look through flyers to find the discounts: this could also include groupon, socialshopper, or virtually anything you can look at things you don't need but think you should get because they are on sale
do homework: or not
post inspiring blogs: again, case in point...
get really into something and start a collection: this could be anything from teas, to corks, to thrifted framed pictures of dogs

so yeah. i've been doing so many great things since i deactivated my account a few days ago. lemme know if you have other great ideas.

the constant is change

2011-11-11T19:13:00.000-08:00

i know i usually write more from my heart in my blog but i literally have nothing else to say. this song sums everything up perfectly.

Switchfoot - Restless

i am the sea on a moonless night,
calling, falling, slipping tides
i am the leaky, dripping pipes
the endless aching drops of light
i am the raindrop falling down,
always longing for the deeper ground
i am the broken, breaking seas
even my blood finds ways to bleed

even the rivers ways to run
even the rain to reach the sun
even my thirsty streams,
even in my dreams

i am restless, i am restless
i am restless, looking for you
i am restless, i run like the ocean to find your shore
i'm looking for you

i am the thorn stuck in your side
i am the one that you left behind,
i am the dried up doubting eyes
looking for the well that wont run dry

running hard for the other side
the world that i've always been denied
running hard for the infinite
with the tears of the saints and hypocrites

oh blood of black and white and gray
death and life and night and day
one by one by one
we let our rivers run

i am restless, i am restless
i am restless, i'm looking for you
i am restless, i run like the ocean to find your shore
i'm looking for you

yea, i can feel you breathing
i can feel you leaving
more then just a feeling, more then just a feeling
i can feel you reaching
pushing through the ceiling
until the final healing
i'm looking for you

until the sea of glass we meet
at last completed and complete
the tide of tear and pain subside
laughter drinks them dry

i'll be waiting
anticipating
all that i aim for
what I was made for
with every heartbeat
all of my blood bleeds
running inside me
looking for you
looking for you

i am restless, i am restless
i am restless, looking for you
i am restless, i run like the ocean to find your shore
i'm looking for you

i have a father

2011-11-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

temper tantrum

2011-11-03T09:03:00.001-07:00

It's kind of bizzare how often, when I'm dealing with a little bruise on my heart or anxiousness, I get bursts of insight from various places that I feel are speaking directly to me. Maybe it's just my mindset that I start to think everything is so relevant and meant just for me to hear, but more likely I'd say, God is using my surroundings to show me new things. Sometimes I'm more open to hearing from Him than other times; right now would probably be a good example of a time I'm just paying more attention. But I'm sure if I really stopped and quieted my busy mind more often, I would find myself hearing the still, small voice that just reaches out, loves, and more importantly, guides my thoughts and actions.
Yesterday, my devotional was about choosing peace as an answer to a situation where you may butt heads with someone in your life. Okay... accepted as true but... ehhh - not ready.
Then today, I read Courtney's blog (which I haven't really ever) & it was about letting go of hurt. & this picture was on it.
First of all, I love Lemony Snickets. Second, that is me right now. Thanks for that.

Right now the lesson I am learning is how to put down my pride, chose peace, & let go of anger & resentment. I'm not talking about one of those situations where someone has really, truly, intentionally wronged you but one where you just don't see eye-to-eye with someone or they have hurt you out of ignorance and now feel sorry for doing so.
Resentment is a nasty thing, and it can cause you to act completely out of character & say things that you don't deep-down believe or feel - they are just temporary feelings that erupt out of a reaction. I think it's important to get those temporary feelings out. But that is maybe better done on a piece of paper that you subsequently burn because it's really not meant for anyone to see - it's just meant to make sure it's not rotting away inside your heart. Resentment can be one of those things that we hold on to because it's either too painful for us to look at or it's too humbling for us to forgive. I am not a grudgeful person, but I do think that my approach to dealing with someone who I feel has wronged me is unhealthy. I kind of just throw a fit when my pride has been hurt. It actually looks shockingly similar to a child who throws a tantrum after he/she feels silly for doing something embarrassing or wrong. It's just sometimes easier to blame than to possibly think you may have some ownership.
Eventually, though, I need to repent of that tantrum & chose to be at peace with my world & the people in it. The truth is, these things usually aren't happening for some arbitrary reason. They are usually happening because we have some growing to do. So today, I chose to look at my circumstance not as some sort of cruel harrasment from the world, but as a chance to show love, peace, humility, & from it, grow.
I think the world really misleads us into thinking the answer is to look out for #1. I do think that it's important we guard our hearts against things that will hurt us, but when we guard our hearts just so we don't look bad, it leads to a lot of unproductivity. Instead of moving forward, it's like we are choosing to remain as a stubborn child. I must chose to love my neighbor as myself. I already knew this deep down, but that truth has been reinforced in many ways over the past few days & I accept its importance.

abandoning ship

2011-10-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

in the [highly unlikely] event of an emergency, where passengers must abandon ship, life-saving floatation devices will be available to all members on deck.

i'm wondering what the purpose of those life-saving floatation devices would be, or what they would mean to us, if there was no possibility of an emergency, if we were ignorant to that possibility, or, you know, if we built our ships in such a way that we thought they were invincible to that threat

ben harper was onto something...

2011-10-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

i just read a great, wonderful thing. &i just can't not share.

"So if the Son sets you free, you'll be free indeed." John 8:36
... sometimes the pain of our past comes calling. many people, particularly women, have an emotional disposition or personality type that lends itself to dwelling on bitter memories. our adversary often misuses this sensitivity to accuse and discourage us. he tempts our thoughts with guilt over past deeds. he calls into question the penalty of our past as if it is somehow unpaid - an outstanding debt he convinces us we must pay ourselves. we respond to his perverse persuasion by feeling as if we don't deserve the love of family or friends, much less God's love. after what you've done? who are you kidding? this is the language of lies-a familiar tongue to anyone who longs to be free from a shameful past.

he tries to slip the chains of guilt back on our shoulders. And sometimes we again pick up those old familiar chains - our guilt feels so comfortable that we revert to it out of habit. but Christ has set us free.
He paid the full penalty for our wrong. every wrong thought, word or action - all paid for.
don't believe the lie. God set you free; the Jesus, the Christ, died that you would be free - but you must choose to live that way.

"His call on our lives is a call to liberty. freedom is the cornerstone of christianity."

[paraphrased from biblegateway.]

her name is sydney gillian macintyre

2011-10-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

there is this girl that blesses me.
so much.
sydney gillian macintyre is her name;
it means bona fide, passionate, charming;
it's like the color of the ocean when the sun is at it's best;
it's hearing that relient k song you forgot about but always use to pull you out of a bad mood;
it's the memory of your favorite uncle that could always make you smile;
it's your go-to snack that's always in the cupboard;
she teaches me about dedication to the things that are worth it & appreciation for the small things
when she tells me about the things that make her happy & gives me advice;
her name is sydney gillian macintyre;
which means a lifetime more to me now than it did the day i first heard it.

letting go of the familiar.

2011-10-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

I'm super glad that God doesn't turn me into a pillar of salt when, in my processes of transformation, I look back and long for my old ways. He actually did that to someone once upon a time. It was this girl in the bible who was married to a guy named Lot. You can read about it in Genesis 19 if you are interested.
This e-devo came at a pivotal moment for me. It talked about how hard it is to let go of the familiar - to toss away those blankets of comfort because we know what's good for us; we know that we must be disciplined & a little bit uncomfortable in order to grow. We make these decisions all the time, every day. Even if you think that you're living only for the very present moment you're in, you're probably not as much as you think you are. We do it in the seemingly inconsequential decisions of everyday life because it's a part of how we've been taught. If you don't do things you don't want to do, then you don't get to experience other greater things that matter more. You get out of bed when you don't want to sometimes, right? Because you know that the comfort of staying in your bed for another hour, like you want to, isn't as great as getting up when you should and negating the consequences that would take place if you didn't (late for work and get in trouble or late for school and feel like a dummy). You get up and leave the comfort of your bed because it's the head-over-heart choice to make. We're all trained, to some extent, about the importance of doing things even if you don't really feel like it, because of the greater good. This e-devo came the day after my last blog entry and it was just an extension of that entry. Not only do we need to run with endurance towards those long-term and deeper rewards in life, but we need to not look back.
Lot's wife left behind a familiar place... a comfortable place. Even though she knew it was destructive and dark and not a place she should stay or would want to stay, it was still a place that she had come to know as home. In more lament terms, it's the bed that you don't want to get out of but know you need to. Have you ever gotten out of bed in the morning fully intending to start your day and then sadly look back at it wishing you were still in it? Haha. I do that all the time! I've even gotten out of bed, put the coffee on, and then crawl back in desperately for one more cozy minute. How pathetic...
But the point is, it doesn't help me move on and start my day. Yearning to be back in my bed is just distracting me from the tasks of the day that I need to begin.
I don't want to stay the same, guys. I want to grow and I want to move on from those things that are holding me back from doing so. This passage urges us to do that. It's hard to leave the familiar behind but it's so worth it. The devotion said "... we all struggle with the difficulties of letting go of the old in order to grasp the new. Take heart. God understands that letting go of the familiar is hard. Yet he has called us to move on to new life in Jesus Christ by letting go of our old worldly lives, our old habits, our old dreams-to boldly move forward without looking back." Why? Because he has something much better waiting for me.
I want to shed my layers, actualize my potential, and instead of looking back, yearning for the old, & therefore, making it harder on myself, I want to step out in faith & see, as I always do, the reward.

oh, inconsistently crying out for consistency.

2011-10-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

i don't wanna jinx it but i have an inkling that maybe, possibly, sorta, kinda i feel like i might actually be getting better at life. okay, don't quote me. i can't handle that kind of accountability. claire is my most trusted partner in crime in my life. why? because she actually has experienced first hand how much of a roller-coaster i am and how much i seem to contradict myself following a real life-lesson.
this is usually how it plays out: i do dumb things, i feel stupid for doing dumb things, i repent, i feel empowered to not do that dumb thing again, spill to claire how i'm really ready to put it behind me and learn from that mistake, & then, well, i repeat. the entire thing.
& claire is the one that has seen me through that process, and still high-fives me when i go to her about how ready i am to be "better at life" (& no one should ever view life as i do like thinking that there is some sort of ultimate goal to reach in perfecting yourself as a human being. there isn't. i don't think we're ever going to get there. i think that's part of my problem.) even though she probably has a sneaking suspicion that i won't actually follow through with it. like my mom says, we try our best to weed out the crap we can, but like a dog goes back to it's vomit, we may forget just how bad the consequences were last time, or we may think we're invincible for some reason, & go back to our shameful ways.
i kinda use the "work-in-progress" line as a cop-out because it's such a forgiving way to explain my stated above state of being. the raw version is: "i'm brutal at learning from my mistakes, doing the right thing, and living for the greater, long-term, & deeper rewards in life." i'm just bad at it. maybe it's because i have a terrible memory or maybe behavior modification doesn't work on me as well as it does on other people.
maybe right now, things are going to get better. maybe i don't know why. maybe because it's my first time genuinely trying to be single. & it's just me, my mistakes, & that guilt... & no one to forgivingly hold me through my messiness. please don't get me wrong: i don't think it's healthy to hold on to guilt so that you avoid your worst habits like the plague. but i do think it's good to use that feeling of guilt as a memory to guide your future choices. although i do enjoy indulging in satisfying my appetite today, i value long-term reward far more. i think it's going to be about keeping that desire in the forefront of my mind that will help me take the next right step each time i'm faced with a choice between the greater good & the right-now-good.

profile-picture perfect.

2011-10-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today I came home from school to a message from a girl that I once became facebook friends with because we had mutual friends. Back in '07 when facebook was still a relatively new concept in my life, I would accept friend requests from, and send them to, anyone and everyone that seemed like a nice person. Since becoming her facebook friend, I have received lovely little uplifting messages from her every now and again expressing her great interest in [her perception of] my life from what she knew of me based on my facebook profile pictures, status updates, and my blog. It was never creepy whatsoever. It came right from her heart and I knew what she meant because I feel that same way about others in my life!
Today, part of her message read:

hello!
so, still your biggest fan...
i love to think i live vicariously through your adventures out west, in the states, really... all around the world! i love reading your blog & learning from it, soaking in advice and adventures....
i just want to let you know how admired you are and i know not just by me but by MANY. it's not hard to tell you are an incredible friend to many many loving people, its not hard to see that you are real, honest & open - it reminds me to check myself for fake and then to be rid of it. your adventures remind me that there is more to life then just going through the motions.
i think more people should have your outgoing and positive additude, because you truly get the most out of this life our creator has so thoughtfully and carefully designed for us.
anyways, just a little random note to let you know even though someone has never met you in person - your character truly shines even via the internet and bloggingggg & your character is wholesome, refreshing and good.
<3 your biggest fan

It gives me warm fuzzies when I hear people saying anything like that to me or to know someone has said something sweet like that about me to someone else. It's nice to think that the person I project myself as is a loveable person if not to everyone than at least to a handful of really special people.

I have to be real though, blog-readers and facebook friends, because I can't read that message and pretend like it's all true - like I really am this wonderful person I often can make myself out to be.
I am so far from the carefully tailored and monitored facebook version of myself. I am thousands of miles away from the scriptural and lyrical captions on my profile pictures and far from what inspirational rambling I may come up with for my blogs and far from the girl with the uplifting and positive attitude.
I mean, I try to be that person. & I think the reason I include all of those types of inspirational-type of things on my cyber-self-portrait is because, in so many ways, it's the person I long to become. But sometimes it's simply motivated by the importance I place on being a loveable person. How's that for honest? Someone in my BEd cohort on Saturday night said "You're just always so happy and nice!" and then the next day after church someone else told me almost the exact same thing. My response was a simple, "but I'm really not though..."
It's interesting to me when people say things like this and I can't help but just tell them the truth because to me, I am not always happy and friendly. Sometimes I'm a fierce, rotten, little bitch. I find myself often apologizing that I haven't made time for the people that matter, and feeling bad that I mentally lost my patience with someone because they did something marginally irritating like interrupted my thoughts. I can be a very self-centered person and often you just won't get to see that person because of my history of being hated and, therefore, incessant need to maintain a perception of myself as a nice and friendship-worthy girl.
I am aware when I meet people who think I'm fake. I can't even be mad at them or blame them for pegging me like that because I can be fake. I'm fake happy sometimes. I'm fake nice sometimes. That's the worst kind of fake there is.
So here is me being not fake. I know it's not going to make up for all the times I ever have been fake towards you. But I would like to apologize for all the times I have... which is countless. I don't want to be that person. And for those of you in my life afraid that I'm being fake with you and don't actually like you, don't worry. The truth is, amidst the fact that I care what people think of me, is a deep and genuine love for people. I actually do love you. If I didn't love slash like you, you would know cause I can't fake that well. I actually do want you in my life. But am I always happy and always friendly? Hell-to-the-no. Please don't put me on that pedestal.
I am just such a work in progress & that's the conclusion I hope to someday reach with a "-& I've been making a lot lately!" tagline. I look at women in my church and long to be where they are in their lives - humble, sacrificial, loving, self-giving, disciplined, and holy. I am not holy although it might come across that way on my honest blog-marathons when I'm just stoked about how awesome God is and how much he loves me. The reason I get so enthralled by his awesome love isn't because I am a great christian with my life pretty much how I want it to be, but rather because I am a total mess behind this profile-picture perfect me and am completely undeserving of it.

this is the sun, these are your lungs, this is the day you were born.

2011-09-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

So many updates to be had, so many stories to share, so many twists and turns I feel my life has taken... I've said it before about a thousand times on this blog but I have to say it again, I'm constantly facing halts and 180's. Even now, reading my last post (which I'm sorry was terribly long ago), things didn't even end up going that way. I did end up going to Sandy Hill but only to turn around two weeks later and fly back to Portland, OR, so I could spend a month living on the lovely Jessie Matanky's couch, and experiencing all that Portland had to offer me - mainly, my life-enhancing friendships with Claire & all the other beautiful people I met through her.
For better or for worse, my life is constantly pulling me in new directions I didn't even remotely see coming. Last night me and Red Love, my good & toterrrrly awesome new friend here in Vancouver, were chatting about what our life theme is. He was saying he feels like his life is like a really sweet movie and every person in his life plays an interesting character that complicates, but adds color to, his plot. [as a side note, I was really excited when he said I'm like his Polly from Along Came Polly because I'm quirky and weird in the best of ways. :) V. good compliment.] I had to think a bit about it but I realized my life is more like those books that you read in junior high that let you chose what's going to happen. I feel like someone *cough*GOD*cough* is flipping through the pages and just chosing life for me - as though I have no say in it at all. Take, for example, the fact that Claire just happened to be looking to use her Aeroplan points because they were about to expire, and they just so happened to be the exact amount I would need to fly from Baltimore back to PDX. It's just kinda one of those things where someone is conducting, and I'm just going floating in my little raft down the current. I could blog about countless examples of this happening but it's so evident to me, because of what I see in my life, that I don't feel it's necessary. It's plain and simple: God making me into who he wants me to be - His.
It's no secret to anyone by now that even the path I was on with Riley was brought to a halt in June when I got real with my heart and made the difficult decision to be alone.Call it 'just life' if you wish but I know it's much more than that. I am in the palm of a very big hand, and "he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion" (Phil 1:6). I am deeply, and intimately, and completely loved and it blows my mind daily.
So here I am. New chapter: new house in new area of Vancouver, new school, new program, new friends, new mentors, new routine, new objectives, new passions, new perspective, and new hope. I am clearly marked & adored... and that's quite the testimony.
I'll try to keep my life more up to date on my bloggy mc'bloggertonnn. I forgot how good it feels to spill a little.

home is where the heart is

2011-06-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

It's a fact: I've got ants... in my pants. I'm a nomad. I have no "home." My friends and lovers exist all over the world and I cannot stay in one place for any period of time. My 1.5 months in Whistler that turned into 8 months has now turned into 6. About two weeks ago I had terrible insomnia and by the time 6am rolled around mind really started wandering. It really started hitting me that as wonderful as my life in Whistler has been, and as much as I feel I never want to leave, there is something significantly missing from my life. I wrote an e-mail that's turning my summer around a little bit.
In 2007 I went on a website called campstaff.com and filled out an application to become a camp counselor and that small act led to others that landed me by myself in Maryland, USA unpacking two suitcases in a cabin at an unfamiliar camp that I knew no one at. It was one of those things in life that you really feel like you had no part in. I filled out the application, wrote the e-mails, had the phone interview, and booked my flight, but it still felt like there was something outside of me leading me to this place where I would begin a very important journey. I left there feeling like that chapter was over but sure enough I found myself there again one year later - this time with a handful of returning staff that I could call my friends. Two summers as a camp counsellor, I thought, was enough. I got my fill of "being a kid," not really making a whole lot of money, and acting like an insane person day after day (because at camp, it's encouraged).
Since my last summer at Sandy Hill, I haven't had significant experience working with kids. I definitely had a few small volunteering opportunities here and there, but nothing like the 24/7 type of hours I had with camp. There is something so incredibly fulfilling about waking up at 5:30am, getting as much coffee and adult/alone time as I can before reluctantly dragging myself to staff meeting, listening to the incredible camp director say "Be AMAZING Today," and then waking up a cabin full of sleepy-headed 12-year old girls and then continuing your day by dressing up, playing games, being enthusiastic, and trying to stay sane. The Friday they leave is probably the most fulfilling when those same girls share with you how much you mean to them and how they will never forget you (despite how annoyed they were when you obnoxiously woke them up every day at 7:15am).
After three years with the idea in my head that I'd never be returning, I am going back to Sandy Hill for weeks 5-8 in 2011. I am sadly leaving the free and good life in Whistler, BC and flying 4000km because I am obsessed with kids. It just really hit me that these opportunities are far and few in between these days. Here's to taking advantage of any that come my way.
This is camp.
This is camp.
This is camp.
This is camp.
This is camp.

wake up & throw this mug of hot coffee on your face

2011-05-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since my last entry. I'm lacking in inspiration. Getting settled, comfortable, numb.
This one is for my die-hard romance fans. For those of us relentlessly and futilely chasing a feeling we know of only from the movies. For when we are feeling skinny, sexy, and on top of the world, and for the days that we are feeling fat, ordinary, and extremely empty. This is for girls, like me, that find good intentions just don't go far enough. For the single, taken, swept-up-off-your-feet, and heart-broken. For girls who would rather fix their make-up than try and fix what's going on. For the ones who have hardened their hearts to the possibility of love. For the ones in the dreaming stages at 12 and 13, and for those who have pursued but have no pursuit left in them.
I'm looking forward to the day when I can wise-up, give Him the pen, & let him write.
For all my works-in-progress...

"The One who knows you better than you know yourself, and who loves you more than you can comprehend, wants to take you on a journey.
This journey is for anyone who is searching for the beauty of true and lasting love, for romance in its purest form, and who is willing to do what ever it takes in order to find it. This journey is for anyone who has made mistakes, whether small or big, and said, "It's too late for me to discover that kind of love."
It's a journey for anyone who is tired of the same old scene of physically intense relationships, devoid of meaning and purpose.
This journey is for anyone who will dare to dream beyond the cheap and diluted romance our culture offers and hold out for an infinitely better way. This journey is for the skeptic, who doubts that such a way exists.
No matter where you are or where you have been, this invitation is for you. The very One who is the Author of all true love and romance is standing before you, asking you gently, Will you let Me write your love story?"
Leslie Ludy

call me up if you are gangsta'

2011-04-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

I was going to make this blog attached to the last one but I decided these people are way too special to not get their own spotlight (I know right? I'm so frigging nice). So I'll introduce my life for the next 8 months. This is the first thing I see when I leave the house to go to work in the village. Not too shabby. I live in a house which is known by some locals as The Art Barn. It's got a whole lot of history and actually looks like a barn. Annnnd here is my corny break-down of my roommates who I can't go without noting as the most significant reason I chose to stay for as long as I am. Meet Cori. Again. Obviously the cutest little muffin ever? But don't let her cuteness decieve you. This girl blows my mind away with her maturity and wisdom sometimes. She admits when she's wrong. She's a lover, not a fighter (and if those words were ever true about someone it's Cori), she knows how to take life's punches in stride, and her pieces of art will make your jaw drop (mainly her writing, clothing design, and vision). She is a heart-stealer at first glance & choses to not be obvious and generic about basically everything. That's Cori. Oh yeah - the reason we even found this house (Kudos to her incredible networking skills). Then there is the other Lassie in the house, Brittany. Clearly Whistler's biggest goof-ball. She always knows how to lighten the mood and never fails to keep things entertaining and interesting. She may be the easiest target in the house but she is definitely the most loved. It's easy to love a girl who brightens the room just by walking in it but what separates Brittany from the handful of other girls I know who can do that is how endearing she is about virtually everything. Whether it's nutrition, boys, school applications, or money, she's always looking for advice. And who doesn't like being asked for advice? It makes you feel helpful. She's got the greatest attitude and an amazing sense of humor. She never fails to make the house laugh. Ah-mazing. Then you've got Chris Rasman. Need I say more? Just google him. Hahahaaa. no but seriously. This guy is the man. He was the first person in the house to make an effort to welcome Cori and I to the house. He's this insane ball of ADHD energy who will physically just dart off mid-conversation to never return. The house always seems quiet when he goes off to Japan or wherever for his snowboarding career, and we don't wake up to his stomp-run up and down the stairs in the morning. I can sense the same energy when I see films of him doing what he loves to do (and getting paid for it). And while Chris has talent up the ying-yang, I mean it when I say, you would never know if you didn't already know. He's incredibly humble and one of the most genuinely friendly people. Every time we go anywhere together, it never fails to amaze me how many people he knows, but more importantly, how good he is at making sure he's introduced me to everyone of them. Yay for breaking stereo-types. Then we have our token Aussie of the house, Drew, best known in the Art Barn as Drewpie, who is sadly leaving at the end of May. Drew keeps to himself probably the most in the house because he is out working and riding more than any of us and he probably finds us annoying most of the time when he is here and just wants peace. But my favorite thing about Drew, other than the Tim-Tam's he so willingly shares with me, is that when he is there, I can always count on getting a good laugh. His Aussie sense of humor is exactly what the house needs when one of the girls comes home all filled with estrogen complaining about X and freaking out about Y, and it feels like the world is coming down around them. One time, when we were having a [very serious] argument about who uses the most amount of toilet paper, Drew pipes in with "well I don't even shit at home. I get paid to do that." Brilliant. Drew never judges, never complains, is never too serious, and always does his dishes. What more could you ask for in a roommate? Every house needs a Jon-Frye. Every house. Seriously, if you don't have a Jon-Frye, I feel sorry for you. He is the glue that holds this house together literally and figuratively. Okay I'll admit, he may come across as an ass on first impression (Example: the first e-mail I got from him that almost ripped my heart out of my chest). But give Jon a chance and he'll fix anything, do anything, and go to great lengths to keep everyone in the house happy. We don't call him Auntie-Jon for no reason- he takes care of all the admin stuff for the house and is a true Art-Barn and Whistler veteran. Jon may have the final say in the house decisions but he is always the man to lean on when you've had a bad day or the one to lend you milk when you've run out. He goes out of his way to take care of his kids (us) and does an amazing job.
I love this house. But not because it's old, artistic, in an amazing location, and affordable. I love this house because of the way every member of it brings something so great to the table. I have someone to turn to for every need, and from the bottom of my heart, I feel like I've been blessed to live with the best 5 people in Whistler. If I just told you all about them, there really is nothing else to say (unless of course you would like me to go into full detail with how amazing it is to be a cashier at shoppers drug mart).
Ciao for now.

"it's like high-school for 25-year-olds"

2011-04-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I had a big catch-up chat with Seymour (much-needed) & realized not only am I terrible at staying in touch with my good friends and keeping up even with basic monthly Skype dates, but I'm also terrible at keeping my acquaintances* in the loop (*not to sound like I think I'm so popular but I'm talking about all the people I met through camp, traveling California, and through St. FX that I wouldn't exactly call my best buds but are definitely still on the "Awesome People I Know" list). Sarah is still in the Maritimes and since I'm not, she told me she's run into some people who ask about how I am doing. Good thing all I ever talk about on this blog is the deepest emo part of my soul. Never just your regular, everyday, normal blog stuff. No wonder no one reads it? It's a gorgeous day outside but alas, I've finished all the things I need to do for the day and am settling to enjoy the sun comfortably in my room via the window. So here goes my little update for all of you out there who may be wondering:
I am awesome. I am comfortable, I am happy, & I'm at peace. I just found out where I'll be in September (UBC for education - woop) and for now, I am enjoying my 8 months of school/stress/reality-free state. What do I mean by reality-free? I mean exactly what it sounds like. Anyone who has ever moved to a resort destination can attest to the feeling that you live in an escape... a snow-globe. This is where people come for vacation to put their feet by the fire, to get a buzz off red wine, and to spend their days ripping through the mountains and forget about the worries they left at home. Doctor's and lawyers who are worn down and tired of the day-to-day drag and stresses of their careers come to Whistler for longer periods to work in dish-pits at minimum wage because it's nicer to leave their work at work, or better yet, some rich people may come here for a year or two and not work at all. People in their twenties come after high school for a season and stay for 10. While I don't have the love for skiing or snowboarding like most people, I came and am staying for many of these other reasons. It's the same reason I got a job as a cashier at a drugstore and not a serving job at a fancy restaurant. This is my break from reality and it's really nice for the change but definitely not forever.
What I love about living in Whistler is walking 25 minutes down a gorgeous trail to work, living beside a beautiful lake, and the fact that everyone seems to be in such good cheer all the time. Being able to see familiar faces, and stop and talk to people, everywhere I go reminds me of the library at X during exam time (but minus the stress and exam part). Everyone is welcome to everyone else's house and people that you may see at the bar at night might be the same people you pass on the trail (or the mountain if you prefer) during the day.
What I don't love about Whistler? Other than the ridiculous prices for basic necessities, such as food, only one thing: my great lack of growth. Sorry to get all negative-Nancy but this is the major flaw with trying to settle in a place that's an escape from reality. It's like my 9 weeks at camp. It's fun and wonderful and amazing and makes you feel all warm inside but there is a strange lack of purpose and growth when you wake up every day feeling so comfortable. In my most uncomfortable states in life, I was learning the most about myself. Hence why this is so temporary. It was only suppose to be a few months but it ended up being the full 8 that I'll be here. I think that'll be just perfect before I go back to face the books (and the classroom) and start my next chapter.
Read my next blog for my break down on my day-to-day life here in Whis, and the people that make it as sweet as it tends to be.

just to clarify:

2011-03-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

I've had more than one person tell me that my little comment about being over the honeymoon stage in relationships in my blog entry, "fighting pride," bothered them.
I just want to say to all of my ~~fans~~ friends that came out the wrong way! I still LOVE all those "over-the-honeymoon-stage" people just the same as I always have. It's just that when I get too close to people, I become more comfortable and less selfless... I try less to be humble with them and think more about how they can be of benefit to me. It in no way implies that I am sick or bored of them or don't feel they are important to me anymore. The opposite is true. It's the after-the-honeymoon-comfort phase that brings my feelings of affection to a new and different pique - one that's more challenging, but in a good way.
Just to clarify...

new directions

2011-03-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

So one time in about 2008, I constructed a bucket-list. I heard that writing your goals down, as opposed to just thinking about them, make them much more likely to happen. They say that to make your life what you want it, it's important, once in a while, to write down short-term and long-term goals or aspirations. I think it's also important, as I'm currently learning, to revise and edit the ones you may have made. Three years have passed since I made this list and those three years have blessed me with people and experiences alike that have inspired me beyond this petty list of self-glorifying "treats" that I wish to attain. A few incredible people in particular have unintentionally caused me to re-evaluate my goals and aspirations.
I realized how my direction has shifted the other day when I asked a girl where she got her beautiful scarf. I was expecting your typical response but what I got was a nose-in-the-air-"it's Louis Vuitton."
Hrm. Well exxxxxcuuuuseee me, my frand. You think just because I am wearing this Shoppers Drug Mart cashier uniform, that I wouldn't be able to afford something from that store... anything for that matter? Pff.
Truth be told, it was in that moment I realized I would never want anything of the sort. I truly am not saying that because it's out of my budget. It's on my bucket list to "own something genuinely Louis Vuitton"... why? When I watch shows like Real Housewives or Keeping up with the Kardashian's or even worse, Sweet 16 (because they happen to be playing in the room next door *cough* not because I actually like them), I actually feel sick to my stomach. It somehow use to be out of jealousy that I know I will never live in such luxury as the people in these shows do. Now, I watch out of complete pity in the fact that they will never really understand where true joy comes from because their lives are incredibly cluttered with want-need-must-have and the very fixtures that light their rooms are worth more than what could sustain a poor family in a poverty-stricken country.
As much as I can't help but feel sick when I watch these people literally wiping their asses with $100 bills, I once was in a place where I genuinely thought money was cool.Thanks to this one man in particular, my focus has completely shifted and I no longer see money as cool - I see it as something that should be used to sustain our basic human needs. Every day Riley teaches me how little we need to survive. He lives more modestly than most people I've met in my life and surprisingly I think it's worked in his advantage because he tends to get a lot of free things. His lucky horse-shoe, which I have yet to find, is another story though. Thanks, Riley, for showing me what true "value" looks like. I know I have a long way to go. Especially when I take little trips into Vancouver and remember how undesirable my wardrobe looks most days or how convenient it would be to have an iPhone in my purse. I say that in hopes you realize I am not being completely self-righteous by posting this. I truly am very thankful for my ever-evolving state and the fact that spiritual wisdom can be transformed in part by the wonderful influences in my life. Hoping it may spark something in you too, no matter where you may be. So, with this shift in direction comes an edited bucket list. If you're interested, you can have a peek.
Cheers.

. Have a window seat in my future house .
. See a National Park in Utah (preferably Bryce) .
. Go to the Philippines to meet my sponsor child, Laarne .
. Sky-Dive and/or Bungee Jump .
. ~~Pierce something other than my earlobe~~ . [check]
. Learn Sign Language .
. ~~Get a tattoo~~ . [check]
. Take a pottery class .
. Own a pug .
. Do missions .
. Make a scrap-book about my life journey (all the big moments) .
. Make a play-list where each song stands for a pivotal moment in my life .
. Write and record one good song .
. Send an anonymous care package to someone who needs it .
. Get and STAY in shape .
. Make a vow and keep it forever .
. ~~Meet Mikey Mouse~~ . [check]
. ~~See RK in concert again~~ . i think that phase has had it's time. rk will always hold a special place in my heart but this is an unnecessary goal
. See Hillsong ~~in Australia~~ United . [don't have to travel to Australia to see them]
. ~~See Paris~~ . [i was over this before i even finished writing it down. pff paris. you can come to me if you want.]
. ~~Own a genuinely vintage dress~~ . [check]
. Go back to Sandy Hill camp .
. Use "Xavier" as a middle name for one of my children .
. ~~Get an X-ring~~ . [check. woop.]
. ~~Learn how to solve a Rubix Cube~~ . [for pure bragging rights really. now realizing by the time i actually do this, i'll probably have a husband and kids to brag about.]
. Get a grad degree .
. Stay in the South for an all-inclusive vacation at a resort (+add) if i'm fortunate enough to have the opportunity . [hey, if my children someday wanna take me on one, i'm not gunna complain.]
. ~~Go on a cruise~~ . [it's just okay if these things don't happen.]
. Share a kiss in a hot-air balloon .
. Build a tree-house .
. Get a flip-flop tan .
. Have a breakfast nook in my future house .
. ~~Get a motorcycle license and own a motorcycle~~ .
. ~~Learn how to whistle through my fingers~~ . [check. haven't perfected it but it's a process.]
. Perform a random act of kindness for a homeless person .
. Volunteer at a homeless youth shelter .
. Have confetti fall on my head
. Own a (+add) new (as opposed to used and crappy) espresso machine .
. Own a black ~~leather~~ coat . [pleather will do just fine.]
. Practice meditation .
. Be HOLY .
. Own a cottage . [and if that happens to be a cabin beside the water, it's a cottage.]
. Volunteer at ~~L'arshe~~ a home for special needs . [special needs is special needs.]
. Volunteer at a nursing home .
. ~~Own something that is real Louis Vuitton~~ . [point in case.]
. ~~Learn how to Ski/Snowboard and live in the mountains~~ . [living part, check. learning part, half-check.]
. ~~Sleep on flower pedals~~ . [you gotta try that one]
. ~~Change someone's life~~ . [someone checked this off in my room so... check? don't know who it was but its all relative. apparently i changed someone's life.]
. Learn how to BBQ . [getting there...]
. ~~Wear bright red lipstick~~ . [check]
. See a(n)~~penguin~~ elephant up-close (~~touch~~ride it!) .
. Go to a talk-show (like Tyra) .
. Go black-water rafting in New Zealand .
ADD:
. When an opportunity arises for me to genuinely make a difference in someone's life through monetary giving, be genuinely uncomfortable to help them (aka. give money to someone who needs it no matter how "poor" I may feel at the time) .
. Live and work in an underdeveloped country sacrificing comforts like running water and electricity .
. Learn how to live humbly in all areas and phases of my life .
. Befriend someone that initially does not interest me; find the positive .
. Create Christmas traditions that truly revolve around giving and thanksgiving when I have children one day .
. Become a teacher .
. Read the entire bible .

fighting pride

2011-03-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

I was at work yesterday and after having done all of my spectacular cashier duties including "facing" (such a thrilling task if you haven't tried it) and cleaning, I picked up a copy of this months Fitness , mainly because I was intrigued by one headline in particular: It definitely caught my attention especially because of this particular phase in my life (living in Whistler, where everyone skis or snowboards ~4 days a week, working 3 part-time jobs) I've been feeling a bit under-motivated. What do I fill my time with before my 4:15 start on a Tuesday? Beats me but I always seem to somehow feel rushed. It's one of those times, again, where I have to dig a little deeper and find something to wake up for in the morning. For example, this morning I asked Cori to wake me up at 9 before she left for work. She came in and said "Rena. It's 9. But I wouldn't get up if I were you... you're not missing much." Haha she later told me she woke me up right after she realized she had to clean the snow off her car (AGAIN) and was feeling a bit bitter at the time. It's like you have about 20 thing you could think of doing but none of them are life-defining in any way. I really wanted to read that book. I really want to send my mom this care-package. I really need to do some laundry. I really should go for a jog. Maybe I'll go to that free yoga on Tuesdays... youuuuuu get the idea...
So I picked up this mag thinking it couldn't hurt. In it, I found the secret of "Mantra's." It's derived from Buddhism but its idea is simple: just repeat a phrase in your head to make yourself do something, overcome something, or feel something, that might not come as naturally as sleeping-in. Really, not that special. But it got me thinking.
The examples the article used were mostly pertaining to working out or relieving stress such as "I am strong" or "I embrace life," but it made me think about areas in my life I'm finding hard to change direction - the parts that really bother me. How I treat people on a day-to-day basis is something I would like to change; I tend to get exasperated with people regularly and very easily. It's not easy to admit but once I've gotten past the honeymoon stage in a friendship with someone, I will ultimately become a bitch. It's a terrible thing to say, I know, but I struggle with putting others feelings and needs ahead of my own. I have this sense of a right of entitlement or worth and it can dramatically effect the way that I treat the people I love the most in my life. I wrote in my journal one day "I feel like the uptight mom who can't even deal with crumbs on the counter. Like, it's crumbs... get over it." This is something that has to change.
So I made a "mantra" per-say. I was thinking of mantra's about humility, and then I was thinking about one's about staying calm. But I realized the most amazing commandment that I have been given in the Bible (which is also one of the two most important) and that's "Love others as well as you love yourself" (The Message version). I remember in Shane Claiborne's book, "The Irresistible Revolution," when he said we don't take this commandment seriously enough. It doesn't just mean giving small parts when we can and when it's convenient for us or whenever we feel good about it. It actually means giving up everything, whether that be money, valuables, or even, yes, our pride, so that we are lowering ourselves in the chance we may lift up someone else. Something I have no concept of doing. So readers, if you pray and talk to God, please help me by praying that I can do that - that I can fight and overcome this deep-seeded pride in me that was planted somewhere along the way. In the mean-time, my Mantra will be "I will Love others as much as I Love myself. God made us equal and I have no superiority. I am a flawed human responsible for serving God's children."

yowwch

2011-03-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

I can't complain - I haven't had hardly any injuries. Even Riley was surprised when I admitted to never having broken a bone or having stitches in my life. So no injuries significant enough to blog about... none much different than this one. This is an unblogworthy injury but I've already read through 4 pages of C.S. Lewis quotes plus made a full batch of homemade soup plus painted my fingernails and toenails (X2) plus whined about it as much as I could. Today should be my last "useless" day now.

It's my first back "injury" and it happened during shoveling snow. I enjoy getting out there and acting like a tough girl shoveling snow and all (give me a break - it's a good start, alright?!) but I guess I didn't realize how harmful shoveling snow could be. As my roommate, Jon, put it, I am now a part of a statistic. I guess it happens to a lot of people. I just never really thought about it because I never really had to. For one, I've never had to shovel snow and second, I never had any reason to consider my back to be a vulnerable place of injury. I am not an old and frail woman nor do I subject myself to any crazy activities that could put me at risk (for example, 99% of the people I hang out with in the run of a week who spend 5 days a week skiing or snowboarding... I'm not one of them).
So where did the bruises arise from? Well, that's the point of this blog I guess. As a heed, a warning, a caution. It's the same question that Dr. Demarko asked out loud when he looked at my back: "In my 27 years of practice, never have I seen bruising occur without impact. I guess we'll have to run an x-ray although I don't know how you could have broken a bone... and I'd also like to have you tested for easy bruising." At this point I'm basically laughing only because I would break a bone doing something stupid like shoveling snow... am I that much of a sloth? Geeze.
Well I come up from the X-ray and Dr. Demarko now has a Medical Student looking at the bruise and she pokes it asking how tender it is. Then some other Doctor with ski gear on comes in dripping in snow, has a look, and says "this is strange... did you have snow down your pants?"
It suddenly all comes together. I had iced my back after I came inside and it hurt like hell. Well I guess I iced it too much because I gave myself frost-bite trying to get rid of my pain. We're all feeling a bit like idiots at this point. "So umm you pulled a muscle... go take some robaxacet and chill for a few days"
Typical.
So typical.
So lesson number 1: warm up before shoveling and be careful with your posture and what muscles you use to lift snow.
Lesson number 2: it is possible to over-ice injuries.
News to me.

c.s. lewis quotes = smile; drool; sob; repeat.

2011-03-03T18:27:00.000-08:00

Ex.:
"[Repentance] means unlearning all the self-conceit and self -will that we have been training ourselves into... It means killing part of yourself, under-going a kind of death."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

May 31 is my birthday. I want this book and Screwtape Letters. Just sayin'.

SURPRISE! Happy Valentines Day!

2011-02-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

First off, yes this is Rena's blog, no this isn't Rena writing this entry.
[Rena likes to leave every password attached to her identity in a pretty accessible place, so why not hack on to her blog the night before Valentines day.]

Rena and I agreed this year (as most broke couples likely do at least once in a dating relationship) that we would go through this Valentines Day treating each-other to small, corky, meaningful gifts instead of spending money on materialistic corny gifts like heart shaped teddy bears and chocolates that will be gone within a day. It is easy to swipe a card and join the valentines day culture of 'the bigger/more expensive the gift' the more you love the person. Truthfully, i think the more you spend on valentines day, the more your trying to avoid using words to express your love for that person.

Every guy has a corny side, the sooner they realize that that's all girls want from time to time, the better off they'll be. When you do decide to reveal your corny side, don't embarrass yourself, they'll know when your faking. Truthfully, these 'corny' things become the obvious choice when you really love the person. I don't really realize it's corny until after, at which point I'm simultaneously understanding how much she appreciates this type of love language.

Now obviously I'm not writing this blog entry to encourage fellas to let their soft side shine from time to time, I'm writing it because I want to tell everyone who reads this blog, along with Rena, how much I love her. And what better of a day to do it than Valentines Day, right?

Yesterday put a mark on a year and a half that Rena and I have been together. I've thanked God every day that we've been together and have come to appreciate every day that I spend with her. I'll be the first to tell you that our relationship is not perfect, we struggle through misunderstandings and frustrations that leave our hearts in knots. But it's working through those
moments together that have made us that much more confident in our futures together. Rena has seen my darkest of sides, she's embraced my flaws and accepted my imperfections and I've embraced and accepted hers (everyone has flaws, if she didn't, we wouldn't work). I'm reminded of her love for me every day, in one way or another I am reminded that she is there and always will be. Some days I'm reminded through her generosity and her heart to embrace people from every walk of life, other days I'm reminded of her love on more difficult levels when I'm forced to swallow my pride and understand that she is concerned, worried, or frustrated because she genuinely cares about my well-being. I love this girl, and I want you all to know how much I appreciate her... every day.... no more or less on valentines day... truthfully, I'm not a big fan of this over rated day that was invented by a card company... but hey i'll take any chance I can to get my blog on.... (this is the first blog entry I've ever written).

I also want to give a shout out to Ginny and thank her for hooking Rena and I up today at Steeps up on Whistler Mountain. We had an amazing lunch with an indescribable corner window view atop a world class mountain. It was something else, thank you so much Ginny!

Now....Rena....I'll likely be around this week, so choose your gifts wisely...

One of:
-Back Massage
-Head Massage
-Foot Massage

Three of:
-Craft Making Time
-Snow Angels
-My undivided attention for a photo shoot for 15 minutes
-Take you snowboarding (for the first time ever!)
-Me come meet you after work on a night of your choosing
-Ice Skating

All of:
- My Love :)

I love you, your momd...

Riley

daisy

2011-02-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

i've been struggling with this small, seemingly simple step in my walk (which often feels more like a slugging drag than it does a gallop): surrender. what is it, first of all, and how do i successfully execute it? what is it in my heart that is intercepting this plunge forward? how can i let go of that thing if "letting go" is my challenge at hand? it's really problematic when you think of it like that.
i don't have much to say other than: this is the wall i'm facing. it's my road block, my barrier, my obstacle. my heart is deeply entangled with a few things i know will be hard to cut. possessions, relationships, activities, thoughts... i don't even know if some of them will ever be "cut" but i trust that, with time, they can gradually be loosened and not hold such a firm vise on the way that i conduct myself.
this song just yells at me now as i think about all of this. it makes me feel like it is so simple, and He is so good. i am simply a Daisy.
i plan on just letting these lyrics and this idea filling up my brain and heart.
Daisy, give yourself away,
Look up at the rain
The beautiful display,
of power and surrender
Giving us today,
when she gives herself away

Rain, another rainy day,
It comes up from the ocean
To give herself away,
She comes down easy
Oh rich and debt, the same,
When she gives herself away,

Let it go,
Daisy let it go
Open up your fists
This fallen world,
Doesn't hold your interest,
Doesn't hold your soul,
Daisy let it go

Pain, give yourself a name,
Call yourself contrition,
Avarice or blame
Giving isn't easy,
And neither is the rain,
when she gives herself away

Daisy, why another day?
Why another sunrise?
Who's will take the blame,
For all redemptive motion?
And every rainy day,
when he gives himself away

praise.

2011-01-29T14:21:00.000-08:00

At Sandy Hill we use to do "Praises and Prayer Requests" at the end of our meetings every morning. This was an especially important part of staff bonding because if someone was dealing with something difficult, we could pray, as a team, for that person; if someone did something of particular worth, we'd take a moment of recognition for that person. It could get really annoying at times, I'll admit, when people became so unnecessary about it (mind you this is usually taking place around 6:30am) but for the most part, I really liked it. The few times that I was recognized for something, it helped me continue to go above and beyond in my job as a camp counsellor every day.
Today, I would just like to praise Cori Poole - the girl that I moved to Whistler with. There are so many things that stand out about her that make her so special to me and close to my heart and I feel like I could list off a hundred. For starters, the first sign that I knew Cori had to become my new best friend (I forced her), was the way that she viewed people. It is definitely one of the more outstanding aspects of her person that made me, and so many other people, fall in love with her. When I was in a dark time of my life, finding it difficult to love the people and the world around me, and see the good in it, Cori gave me a new notion of love - she really redefined how to love others. She notices detail that no one else does. She takes careful attention to the beauty in everyone, which is something that I use to pride myself in but seem to have lost it just months before I met her. She always seemed to find a way to love everyone and not in a "I love you way" but in a "you are an important and truly valuable person" way. She doesn't just accept people with their flaws and uglies; she sees right past them and straight into their beauty and gifts no matter how different they may be from hers or misunderstood they may normally be to others. It's a gift that sets Cori apart from many people I know.
Today in particular, however, I have to praise and recognize Cori for her ability to keep faith and stand so strong throughout the tough stuff. Not only do I see her going above and beyond her calls of duty with her job on a day-to-day basis, but I see her lifting me out of my little ruts when I get discouraged. Her faith is what made me move to Whistler and it is what keeps me here. Like I mentioned in a previous blog, I find it difficult to just be without much direction or purpose so I often face doubts as to whether or not this is where I should be right now.
I want to publicly praise Cori for keeping so much faith for me when I lose it, and for believing in, what she likes to call, fate (what I like to call God but our difference of personal spirituality is a whole other story) for doing its job that everything will work out in the end. I see how that faith carries her through the difficult moments she may have with her job and it's the same faith in her that doesn't expect any recognition for what she is doing - she just does it selflessly because it's the right thing to do.
Cors, I wouldn't have wanted to move into this disorganized and scattered temporary life with anyone else in the entire world - not even Riley. You came at the right moment (like always cause God is really rad) and somedays, it's only the faith that you have in me that gets me out of bed in the morning. I wish I could say I have that strength all on my own but I think God is giving it to me... through non-other but you. ♥

the place i'm in

2011-01-27T11:26:00.000-08:00

So I know that the tourist-hot-spot, Whistler, is one of those places that, if you've heard anything about it, are Canadian, have visited, and/or ski/snowboard, you've probably, but not certainly, considered how incredible it would be to live here - to be a "local." Not certainly, meaning not everyone who fits into one or more of those categories likes the lifestyle that Whistler has to offer. I, for one, never considered it to be a place I would want to live; it's cold, the party and drug lifestyles are overwhelming, I would miss the ocean, I'm not into skiing or snowboarding... etc.
So whyyyy did I move here? Haaha
Well I think it's because I was meant to. Haven't truly figured out why I was meant to yet and I'm sure I never will. The Big Man Upstairs has interesting and ironic ways of directing us to eventually develop into the person he's designed us to be.
It kinda all started with the creation of my bucket list. I wrote it approximately two years ago and since then, some things have been checked off, such as getting a tattoo, meeting mickey mouse, wearing red lipstick, getting an x-ring... and some other things have been removed from the list out of the fact that I just don't really care to complete them anymore. For example, "Go to Paris and see the Eiffle tower." I'm not so big into Europe tourism at all and I think French people can be quite brutal. I just put it there cause I wrote the list around the same time Lesley went for her visit to Paris so I was being a copy-cat. Umm... jeeze off-topic-Sally here just rambling...
So my bucket list includes: "Live in the mountains and learn to ski or snowboard" and long story short, I basically fell here. Even the day before I moved, having learned that one of my roommates was a pro-snowboarder and that we have snowmobiles in the back yard, I just kinda shrugged and seeing the looks on Riley and Gordy's faces, I suddenly realized I have very little appreciation for what I am about to embark on. It just so happened that Cori and I were both so conveniently able to live here - that things fell into place, so to speak, and so I thought "why not?" I now know why people who move here stay way longer than they plan - it's cause it's freaking unbelievable. Even if you don't have a passion for the culture of "shredding the nar" and/or don't do drugs, this place is still beyond belief. I realized it's because of the people who are here - everyone who lives in Whistler, does so because they want to and for no other reason. Rarely people come to Whistler because their job or their school drags them here. It's quite the opposite - try living here and doing something long-term-productive with your time. It's just not really like that. It's about the spirit of living, and friendship, and doing what you love with the people you love. It's about last-minute decisions, days off, movies and hot chocolate at night, inside jokes, and the freedom to be totally you. I am so unreal corny... But it truly is like a version of Disneyland. A happy place for happy people with a bunch of small, part-time jobs and scattered schedules.
I got three myself: cashier job at Shoppers, promotions job at Tommy Africa's, and a job doing Kokanee Apres.
So now that I'm settled in with jobs and such, my stay here has already increased from 6 weeks to... undetermined. Funny how that happens.
Like I said, I don't know how this adventure fits into the big picture of my life and who knows, maybe it doesn't really do much at all for me in the long haul. But I like to believe every step we take is an important part of the journey even if it feels kind of pointless... like me living here. I have a problem with just letting myself be without much direction so this book I've been reading by Regina Brett gave me some insight (obviously right when I needed it the most... when else?):
It's scary to make major changes, but we usually have enough courage to take the next right step. One small step (paying one months rent here), then another (getting a job), then another (making friends). That's what it takes to raise a child, to get a degree, to write a book, to do whatever it is your heart desires. What's your next right step? Whatever it is, take it.

to love and be loved is the greatest happiness of life.

2011-01-22T22:50:00.000-08:00

I can't say that I hated my experience in Vancouver...................

Actually, yes I can: I hated my experience in Vancouver.
Okay to be completely fair, I lived in New Westminster which isn't Vancouver at all but if someone from Nova Scotia asks you "so, where are you living?" when you're living in New Westminster, it's just easier to say "Vancouver" especially considering I only really went to New Westminster to eat, sleep, and pack my lunches for the day.
& also, to say that I hated that experience is not to say that I hate Vancouver... it's a city. Maybe I just don't like cities, right?
& it also must be noted that has nothing to do with some of the wonderful people I was able to get to know while I was there. I consider each one a blessing. But when I wasn't in NewWest eating, sleeping, and packing my lunches for the day, I was studying, and in class, and on the rare occasion, you may have found me enjoying myself at church or getting together with my sister, or a handful of other great people, for coffee. Life went from being people-centered to people-absent. Tragic. Despite having met good people, when I reflect back on the past semester, most of my memories are flooded with sadness. I either couldn't make time for them or I could but I just didn't want to because I was so tired of trying to impress; I was exhausted of feeling like I needed to be somebody... like being myself is no longer good enough. And I'm not going to lie, having moved only a 1.5h drive North of Vancouver to the much smaller community of Whistler, I realize that Kelly was right when she said "from what I've heard, Vancouver is a bit pretentious. I heard you have to have like 7 incredible and unique hobbies for people to be impressed with you."
I hate to say that was the vibe I was getting.
I have to disagree with the people who think I didn't give it enough of a chance. Considering I made it my mission almost every day I was there to just adapt, as Sarah suggested I start doing, I don't think I didn't give it enough of a chance. I think it's that "Vancouver," used as a general term to include the people, the surroundings, the activity, the public transportation, the scenery, the livelihood, etc., really just didn't love me enough. Not that some particular people didn't show me love. Maybe just that I didn't feel like that real me needs freedom to just be... without expectation. I don't like performing for people. I don't like "showy." I like when people bare their emotions and dependance and quest for companionship. Not many people that I encountered in Vancouver did that and I'm living with one of the few right now so it kinda goes to show how important it is to me. I'm sure if I had spent more time with some people, more could have happened in that sense. Hence why I decided to apply to UBC and give it another shot - perhaps a better one. One equiped with the knowledge of what kind of world the city is.
There, I said it. I'm a spoiled brat that wants to be loved wherever she goes. So forgive me for my high expectations, and for being a complete emo, but I'm simply tired of being in a world where expectation is present but love is absent.
I wrote this in a poem my first month back to school for my Senior year at X and it speaks volumes into why this Rena didn't feel great in that Vancouver:

i feel i lose a piece of me
when acknowledgment is absent
i can't explore the inner being
and i end up feeling resentment
i try to change the shape i am
so i can fit into the hole that's been cut for me
but nothing about this hole
truly lets me see
the deeper version of me
begging to be free
begging to be seen
eye to eye
nose to nose
toe to toe
heart to heart

Hrm.
Love is the air I breathe, and moving to Vancouver & feeling deprived of it made me realize how vital it is in my life.
So there.
Take it as you will. I know there are people who read my blog and understand me and there are people who don't and the latter are probably so annoyed that I think I have the right to boast about this secret inside of me. It's like when I tried reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and he started his book with all these things that make you feel as though understanding his philosophy is your express pass to this exclusive group. Well... I didn't understand his philosophy at all so it just annoyed me that he thought he was better than me.
I don't think I have some sort of secret that everyone deep-down desires. I know some people are quite content where they are. I know that my deep emotional side can also be detrimental in my life (hence my bad experience with living in a big city of nameless faces deprived of potential love). I just needed to publicly acknowledge the probable explanations for my negative experience with a city that is reportedly one of the top 10 best cities in the world to live in. It's either that or sit here in confusion like I have been: "What am I missing here?"

new-year hype.

2011-01-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry but I have a real problem with the hype revolving around a new year. Hear me out... I tried taking a good attitude this year about it. I had plans to do the whole dress-up-&-go-out thing with my LOVES in Halifax but fate took a twist and I ended up in Calgary (pause: Riley was in a snowboarding accident - could have been brutally bad and was for a few days but god is pretty awesome & riley is doing just fine now walking with a cane & waiting for a routine brain surgery sometime closer to the summer).
So I'm not saying I don't like an excuse to dress up all pretty and take pictures with the people I love the most and dance the night away and shout "HAPPY NEW YEAR" in sync with everyone. I think that part is really quite special but I also think it demonstrates our society's need for social bonding because the fact is, when you wake up on January 1st, nothing has changed. People with sick relatives wake up and their relatives are still sick, that application you had to write is still due, and the fight you had with your boyfriend didn't magically disappear (luckily Riley and I avoided fighting since I got here despite his major uncomfortability and my bratiness about not being at home - but I'm just speaking in general terms here).
It's not that I'm not totally enlightened by all the life-changing status updates about beginning 2011 [insert sarcasm], it's just that I don't see the difference between beginning a new year and beginning a new day. If it actually changed something other than the calendar on your wall, I may be convinced it's worth spending that $50 on the ticket to that thing you went to (and totally don't remember). Like I said, I'm not saying I don't buy into the hype: I'm just questioning the legitimacy of it all when, at the end of the day, everything remains and the pressure to change on January 1st is too great for most people to even flinch.
I had to buy a new journal (because my old one became tiresome) & my first entry was December 18th. I actually gave it a title, which is totally embarrassing - fresh start.
"Don't we always say that this year we're going to be better than the last? We use January 1st as some sort of fresh start or reconciliation for our past mistakes . As if starting this journal, or a new work-out plan, etc., on January 1st, as opposed to December 18th or March 7th or June 28th, is going to make it easier for me to commit to it... I really don't need a Jan 1st to feel like I'm getting a FRESH START - all I need is the sun to rise, and the confidence that I've been made right to know I can do all things through the strength I've been given"
I am SUCH a debbie downer right now and I'm totally aware of that. It's not that I don't think people should make new years resolutions. I just think that January 1st shouldn't be given so much credit. It's a socially constructed notion of a new beginning that doesn't actually exist. If you want a new beginning, you don't even have to go to sleep and wait for the sun to rise. Where you are in your life is an ideal condition for change.
How relieving.

causal petty complaining.

2010-12-21T08:38:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry i know i literally JUST posted a blog today (PFFT whatever who ever wrote a manual on when and what you can blog?! i'm a bamf so don't worry about it)... but i just have to express how delighted i am that i never have to deal with these poor excuses of paper-towel dispensers all over sfu campus.
the only person more stupid than the person who invented these so-called "no-touch" dispensers, is the person who actually decided it would be a good idea to use the design all over a university campus. it would have been more worth your pennies, sfu, to put wooden spools all over campus.
at least it would go better with the broken-stall-door theme.

slumber party small talk.

2010-12-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

I just love this.
Last night, Cori so lovingly picked me up from the King-George Skytrain and we headed to Langley for the night at the house she's house-sitting. It was the first time I would get to meet her best friend, Marne, even though I totally felt like we were already friends. Cori's cousin, Shelby, was there too and as girls do, we didn't take long to get socially cozy.
Our itinerary for the night was making rice crispy squares, drinking Bailey's in hot-chocolate (with marshmallows) and watching Elf (apparently I have a striking resemblance to Buddy from Elf) but like any occasion where you put 4 girls in the same room, three of which don't really know each other, the easy and obvious point of conversation revolves around the one small topic of the boy in your life, not in your life, or... don't know if he's... in... your life...?
It is just so funny. For the four of us all in very very different places or stages with our point-of-interest-man, we all had basically the same thesis of our stories (yes I said that - in school-mode still for sure).
No, it wasn't that they suck.
It was that the moment your "thing" turns into "something" (bless us if they even admit that much) this one little thing is sparked in them. Call it pride, call it protection, call it an emotional blockage... or just call it a pain in the ass. I'll admit some men don't have this but from my experience, all the ones under the age or 24 have it. It's the phenomenon of cat and mouse that when the woman gives too much or shows too much affection, men back off. They play mysterious and hard to get; they're unattainable; they're too busy. But here's the kicker - that at the end of the day they still "really care about you" so all of a sudden, we feel bad that we put so much pressure on our need for them to actually express that. We start off feeling mad at them for being distant, but then we feel bad that we got so "uptight."
John Gray says it well: "Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed" Ummm yes, but can I attach a second part to that sentence?: "Therefore, they'll do what they need to to continue feeling that way."
So brutal guys. So... so brutal. You know you can all hide it very well... you're need for us, that is. But not forever...
Truth be told, they're the ones who are uptight. It just doesn't actually manifest itself until they feel a real threat in having you. Because when you finally get sick of lowering yourself so he can feel like he's helping you, and you finally back off and say "wait a minute... I don't actually need you the way you're making me think I do..." then the smoke detector goes off in his head and he's groveling all of a sudden. By then, it doesn't even feel good because we're already over it.
So what the heck?
So goes life and love and relationships [after the honeymoon stage]? In really different ways, it was the same story for all of us. I'm sure there are many relationships out there that don't exhibit these strange cycles and there are probably a lot that exhibit them but only to a very small extent. And women are guilty too! The actual second part of John Gray's quote was, "women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished." If the second part wasn't as true as the first, the first part wouldn't be such a problem because in their display of needing-to-feel-needed, we end up feeling un-cherished and therefore, just plain poopy. So should we compromise our need to feel cherished? Or should they compromise their need to feel needed? It would be nice to meet somewhere in the middle but I have a feeling that's not as easy as I just made it sound...
I am truly under the impression that this only ends when you have kids because then both the man and the woman's needs are met by children who need their dad and cherish their mom. Either that or the fact that mom and dad are too busy thinking about the tikes to think about their own senses of masculinity and femininity.
So I don't really have a conclusion. I'm sure John Gray will though. I plan on starting to read his book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, today!
I'll let you know if I find the answers but for now, I think John Mayer speaks volumes into the man's soul:

i was made to believe that i'd never love somebody else
made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself...

...half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time...

...half of my heart is a shot-gun wedding
to my bride with a paper ring
and half of my heart is the part of a man
who's never truly loved anything

what ever happened to predictability?

2010-12-18T17:58:00.000-08:00

the newsman,
the paperboy,
the evening tv?

I see my spontaneity in California was not just a phase.
Rena life update as of late:
Moving to Whistler with the beautiful Cori Poole and apparently learning to RIIIIDE (thanks to Riley for his Christmas present to me - a Snowboard). But first, home for Christmas!

Yup. Moving here.

sup with me? sup with YOU!?

2010-12-11T15:34:00.001-08:00

I just wanna know sup with everyone.
I think that's one of my biggest flaws but ironically, at the same time, one of my greatest attributes. I mean, I don't really care sup with you like, sup this weekend? sup for christmas? sup with John and Kate?
I really care more about sup with YOU... who you are... what you love... what you hate... why you say this... why you say that...

So basically, I really rule people out of my life from becoming my best friend if they aren't down with it. I see that as bad news and good news all wrapped up in one. Bad news because I will suffer long spans without those best friend figures; good news because when I finally do find them, and I get to experience their heart, mind, and soul and it's magic. Not only that but then the few really good friends I do have, in little pockets randomly all over the globe, are so spectacularly precious.

I think it's what we were made for. And I don't mean to say that what you have isn't special and what I have is. I'm not saying that at all. I'm suggesting that we were designed for that kind of purposefulness in this big scary society that can't get enough fame, money, power, thrill. I don't think we were designed for complacent relationships that don't bring invaluable joy - I just don't.

That's to different degrees in all people - I get that. I think that's why we've been divided, by some psychological theories, as extroverted and introverted. I don't think that changes our longing to be known, heard, felt, understood and our simultaneous need to know, hear, feel, and understand - both others, and ourselves. So I did one of those personality tests because I always want to know more about who I am - what is it that makes me Rena?
Rena is, under the Idealist temperament, a "Champion." I'll give you a snapshot:

Champions are rather rare, say three or four percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others.

Mmmm. Thank you for that insight. How totally true all of those things are and, for those of you who read my blog or listen to be vent about my heart, Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions.

I think that reveals a lot about why I would take something like a personality test so seriously and try to see the deep revelation contained within it. Sup with me? Why do I do this? Why do I do that? Why do I have these arguments? What can I work on? How can I use my me-ness in the best way possible?

I write this blog with one goal in mind: can everyone please just shed some layers? Just see what happens. I seriously think you'll surprise yourself. Transparency is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful gifts you can give someone. Be you. Let down your guards. Inspire yourself and you'll inspire others. Expose your wounds you beautiful, beautiful soul. If you need to, take time out so you can figure out what those wounds are and who that "you" is. What makes you happy? It can be random things you never even really thought about. For example... maybe you really like bike baskets but you thought they were kinda dorky. Go buy a bicycle basket right now! Whatever it is, I just see it as an opportunity, not a limitation, so don't let fear get in your way.

Suppppp? Please comment if you want to tell me sup with you.

baby, you're a firework*

2010-12-09T12:14:00.000-08:00

Take 2 small-town girls with fresh undergrad degrees:
One, strawberry-blonde ambitious and hardworking, responsible, respectable, and dedicated athlete slash aspiring doctor;
The other, a free-spirited, unpredictable, awkward, dramatic and kooky flower-child slash wannabe schoolteacher;
Move them across the country, put them in a basement apartment located in a dingy, ghetto greater-city area together and what do you get?

I'm referring to Holly and myself, if you haven't figured it out.
Holly is never the person I expected to make this transition with. Not that I didn't like her. We were just always acquaintances and rarely much more than party friends or friends-of-friends. I didn't even know very much about her other than the fact that she seemed like one of the most "together" people I associated with, got expelled from the reg in grade 11 (the one time anyone EVER saw a ruffle in her skirt, basically), and that she was a star in Antigonish for excelling in long distance running. When I heard she was coming to Vancouver to take Naturopathic Medicine, I figured it was a decent opportunity to have a buddy with me here when I move. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that she would become one of the very rocks I stand on, or that she would be picking me up in my falls - but she did.

Long story short, this semester has been a bit of a roller-coaster for both of us in realigning our passions and reevaluating our hearts. As a team, we seemed to get through it, but if I'm honest, it's evident who was pulling more weight and I'll give you a hint: it wasn't me. Yeah, Holly puts the "perfect" in perfectionism and while that's the basis of what I saw when we first moved in together, I got a much different picture after about a month.

Yes, Holly gets her shit done. Holly is clean, particular, smart, and so unreal healthy. I mean gimme a break - can I please have that gene that makes you not like junkfood? She's timely, organized, dedicated, and one of the most hardworking people I know. She even makes time for friends and leisure and knows what she wants in life. More than all of that though is a woman of peace, a passion for people, and a thoughtful and honest heart. She is the single most thoughtful person I have ever met. I mean thoughtful like she is constantly thinking about others and how she can help. I.e., pouring my coffee for me every morning, helping me think of solutions to my problems, bringing me my favoriote sushi roll for our Wednesday evening dates, leaving precious notes every day, always letting me hog the bathroom by doing her hair in her room and then subsequently bringing me the flat iron, plugging it in and turning it on because she knows I'm about to straighten my hair...
I honestly could go on forever. She's always warm, always inviting, no matter how shitty her day may have been, always willing to listen to my complaints with an open heart and ready to come up with a reasonable solution.

I have no doubt in my mind that she is going to become the worlds greatest mom, worlds best wife, an olympian, a life-saving doctor, and probably at some point, a Prime MInister of Canada. I'm not tooting her horn, folks. I'm telling it like it is. And on a personal level, if it hadn't been for Holly Van Gestel waiting for me every day when I got home from school (after she decided she wasn't going to continue on her Naturopathic path), so willing and open to help me with anything I needed, I would have been and still would be in rough shape. I think there are a million people out there who would have made a great roommate but none of them would have saved my life the way Holly did. She was perfect for me and in one word, an Angel.

She got me through a rough patch. I'm still in the rough patch but I feel empowered with all the things she left me with. She's leaving me now and I am so beyond thankful for everything she's done for me. Thank you for loving me and all my flaws in-spite of your togetherness and perfection. Thanks for accepting me - smudges and all. I will always love you, roomie.

control.

2010-12-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

"Rena, the anxiety you experience in your life now stems from childhood. Losing your father at a young age gave you the impression of your world as being out of your hands."

These words were spoken to me in my first year of university when my nervousness turned into a full-blown, constant worry and anxiety that my day was going to flop; that I was going to fail all of my midterms; that I wasn't going to have enough time to study; etc. I didn't really like the whole counseling thing. At the time, it just made me more nervous because I thought I was wasting time that could have been spent studying. But this one that I chose to go to always stuck with me because it gave me a sense of relief to know the root of my anxiousness. That still never really seemed to make it any easier though.

It helps to explain why I always seemed to be able to manipulate my mother into, well... anything. It also helps explain why I always had to have the last word in our arguments, why I never really wanted to push myself to try something I might not be good at, why I was able to keep a healthy distance from most friends I made in highschool, and probably most evidently, why I chose to date boys who made me happy but were never my ideal and why breaking up with them was never life-changing-difficult.

That's probably the biggest place that people, especially girls, can relate to my need to control. I'm not a perfectionist by any stretch of the imagination, but I think the need to control and being a perfectionist can be mutually exclusive. I think everyone has some extent of this "control" gene. I think most people can relate to the feeling of trying to convince themselves that the guy they are currently dating: "is just really into me. he's alright i guess..."

Is there something about saying those words that make you feel more comfortable with your position in a relationship? I don't think anyone would expect this from me - the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and bursts with affection for the beloved's in her life. But I think I've fooled not only the people in my life, but also myself, into believing I was laying my heart on the line, when I was actually keeping them at arms length so that if something crumbled, I wouldn't have to look very far for a shoulder to cry on.

So... this is how I've been treating those people in my life. This is how I have viewed the ones I lavish my love on and right now, at 22, is when I am just becoming aware of it. Because all of a sudden, it is creeping in and ruining one of the most treasured relationships I've been able to experience. This one makes me uncomfortable. & it makes me uncomfortable because it surfaces my desire to remain in control, but doesn't allow me to do so. I think this is what they mean when they say Love, in its purest form, is hard. Because it challenges us to serve and makes us uncomfortable in our lack of control over the other person. Damn - hard reality. This relationship has brought to my attention my need for, and unachievement of, my independence. But who should I be dependent on when I finally crumble and realize it apparently isn't myself?

In the book, The Shack, Sarayu (The Holy Spirit) says it perfectly:
“Relationships are never about power, and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself- to serve.”

It's obvious that true contentment in life doesn't stem from perfect control - in fact, my perceived ability to have control in relationships, is now crushing me (that's a harsh way of saying "humbling" but that's what it feels like). I think I need to continually ask myself this horrifying question:

What kind of one-up did my creator God get when he took on and paid the ultimate cost for, not just one beloved, but every person who comes into existence?

so THIS is what it feels like...

2010-10-16T12:46:00.001-07:00

to be a Mom.

Yes, a Mom. I'm talking about towards my 21 year old boyfriend, Riley James Merrell. Okay I'm not talking about the napping, the poop, the boogers, and the teaching and guiding. Errr.... ehhhe... most of the time...

But for realz, what I'm talking about is this uncontrollable anxiety that moms get when their child goes away. You know how annoying it is when you go somewhere and you even though you know you're safe and everything is cool, your mom seems to think that everything is so dangerous and she gets nervous when you forget to call or something? It's like on the movie Step Mom when the little boy "gets lost" and when they finally find him they're like "Where were you? You had us so worried!" and he's like "I knew where I was the whole time!" haha I can just imagine my odd socks saying that as I'm furiously searching for them in great anger...

I just can't even stop myself from vividly imagining things that could possibly (but are very unlikely to) happen to Riley while he's in India on this missions trip.
Why can't I just trust God? "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5
My own understanding right now is getting the best of me and it's not very fun.

I just feel my motherly instincts kicking in and it's kind of amusing. I'm going to be a basket case when I actually have kids and they go off and be reckless... Oh motherhood...

mmm joy comes in the morning

2010-09-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

What is it about the morning that is so incredibly enchanting?

I'm not talking about that groggy-and-half-asleep-roll-over-to-hit-the-snooze-button feeling. Negative. The snooze-button people: We hit snooze until the very last minute (I've had days where I hit it for almost an hour), only to have to rush to get ready for our day, and the entire time we're getting ready we're usually thinking "I really don't want to go to work today. Can't I just sleep... all day?"
Someone please tell me you know what I'm talking about.
It's not like I'm a total pessimist - I can usually take a pretty good outlook on my day regardless of the responsibilities I have that I'd really rather just bluff on. I don't walk around hating life because I had to get out of bed.

But I think that we, as the snooze-button people, are missing out on something. Growing up, I was always so baffled by my mom's commitment to waking way before Lesley and I for, get this - quiet time. I can't imagine forcing myself out of bed for something like quiet time. I tend to only be able to get up before the sun when it's imperative. But how rewarding it is when we do.

It's that time of the day where there is just a stillness. No hustle and bustle, no obligations -the time of the day dedicated just to meditating, thinking, pondering, reflecting.... This morning I had that "imperative" motivation to wake up at 5 - to catch the 8:30 ferry to Nanaimo for Riley's fam-jam. And following, I had 4 hours of travel to do all those things my mom does every single morning. And I realized how amazing it would be if I could get myself up every day... just for me time.

I don't know what it is about the morning. If it's the way the rising sun looks striking your window, the hush of the world around you, or the fact that you have a new beginning. There is a verse in Lamentations that says "Great is Your faithfulness. Your mercies begin afresh each day" (3:23) and I love that so much. The morning is a time of peace but it's also a time of hope. It's probably a combination of both that make it such a romantic time of day between Him and I. Could that feeling I have right now motivate me to get up a few hours earlier every day? I'm thinking no. But it would be nice, wouldn't it?

summer '10 & i

2010-08-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

I've changed a lot so this is going to be a bit of a big one. Forgive me for having an appetite for blogging like my appetite for food - all in big waves.

I've definitely changed in a few dramatic ways since I first moved here, cinco de mayo, May 5th, only three sweet days after my graduation. It was the first time actually moving for any significant amount of time and I think the worst mistake I made was thinking I knew exactly what to expect. Note to self, when life throws change in your face, expect nothing.

More than anything else I've learned about my need, as Rena Murray, to
stop... breathe... absorb... reflect.... My life, as of late, has been consumed by one man in particular who has a knack for stealing my heart on a daily basis and ironically enough, my number one goal when moving here was to not let my life revolve around him. FAIL. Unfortunately, we as humans tend to cling to the closest tangible thing - and it's exceedingly harder to refrain from doing that when that thing just also happens to be the one you admire the most.

But admiration can be costly. Admidst my heart falling more and more in love with Riley every day that I live here, I am in the process of gaining one of those really valuable lessons that a small-town-girl-with-everything-she-needs-and-wants-in-the-palm-of-her-hand doesn't exactly experience: that at the end of the day, only I can make a change, only I can determine my happiness, and only God can help me. My tendency to put men in my life on a pedestal like they are somehow going to save me has costed me the gift of falling in love with myself and the one who created me. Work in progress me is somehow trying to put those pieces back together, become my own best friend, and meditate on the promise that God works from the inside out.

I've changed.
I'm pretty much like Antigonish's winter weather. I change a lot. I adapt quite quickly to my environments and this beautiful city has also changed me in a few, less insane, ways.

Public transportation has changed me - my worst enemy/best friend. While I have the luxury of the most incredible landlords, an amazing roommate, and a quaint and perfectly humble basement apartment, I am tortured with the fact that my school and the city is an hour away (okay give or take 15 minutes, I'm not exaggerating here). Um... this... can be a total bummer. Especially for the girl who has spent her life within walking distance to everything she needed. With this change in my environment, my organization skills have been increased significantly.

These skills have also increased with my job as A BRAND AMBASSADOR. You wanna know what a brand ambassador is? Ha. Not gunna tells yah - you can figure that out on your own ya weasels. But lets just say it put me in my place and taught me great deal about being pro-active in my job, and being my own boss.

My job as a brand ambassador also changed me to become a little more bitchy. Cheah - the good kind. I deal with a lot of greasy people with a lot of ridiculous, rude, and insulting things to say, and I've quickly learn how to have more of a back bone, and stick up for myself. And... believe it or not ex-boyfriends who all told me I am naive... I even have more of a guard up with guys who are being "friendly." You can take that to the bank.

OH! On that note, I've also gained a really refined taste for food when fine-dining. East coast is hilariously different than West when comparing fine dining. In Nova Scotia you got your fast food, your pub food, and then your snobby-people-food spending no less than $25 a plate half the size of my fist. There is a whole new world of fine dining here and I am semi turning into a snob when it comes to ordering. I.e.: "Yeah I would like to order the salmon burger but I'm wondering what kind of bun does that come on and how well is the salmon cooked? Can I order that please with no top bun, tartar sauce on the side... oh! and a lemon wedge too if you can! I'll have that with the greens but can I have the dressing and cheese on the side please?"
Heeee... Okay maybe slight exaggeration but I'm inching that way. This is crossing the border between having balls and being a total douche bag so I'm going to want to tone that one down.

I've learned how to be alone. In fact, August has marked the point in my summer where things started happening and I began to have a social life (Holly moving in, Lesley moving here, the Trifecta reunion etc) and today is the first day this month I've woken up in an empty house and I actually MISSED IT! In a busy city, being alone is a beautiful and, as I'm realizing, rare thing. On that note, I've also had a total epiphany that I am going to retreat alone as soon as I get my next chance. Maybe for a week... maybe a month... I'm thinking South East Asia.

Oh and Mom, you will love this one. I've started becoming a neat-freak. I think I'm actually becoming you in terms of house-cleaning habits. Going from living with 4 other girls in a two story house, to living alone and then with one other very clean roommate has somehow evoked in me this need to have things spotless at all times. Not sure. Maybe it's just me coming more into "adulthood."

Can I stop here? I don't not mean to be abrupt like... I have to get up and pee kinda thing but... I'm sure I'm totally boring you if you've even read this far (the 3 followers I have, your faithfulness to my inconsistent blogging makes me smile).

Last night, I read in my new book, So Long, Insecurity the fact that insecurity goes hand-in-hand with that all-or-nothing disposition in some people- that doing something just good, as opposed to great, isn't really worth doing. This disposition is very strong in me hence my tendency not to exercise unless I'm investing in becoming a real athlete. Through this book (credit to Beth Moore, the author - LOVE HER) I am learning that I need to be okay with being PAR sometimes. It's like I don't wanna blog unless I have something life-changing to say. Really, Rena? Get over yourself and write about how you went to Ki-Sushi and ordered a Dynamite roll with spicy sauce. As if you're really that incredible in the first place.

So yeah, I'm going to be a non-degree student this year at SFU (ouch this one hurts), I am going to take up snowboarding and ROYALLY suck at it, I'm going to exercise in vain, knowing full well it probably will never make me into an athlete, and I'm going to write crap blogs like this one, conclude them even more poorly, and post them.

Eff you perfectionism.

HAHAHAH

2010-07-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

"a size zero?! what is a size zero? i don't know to me that means you don't exist"
- Richard from beauty and the geek ... [kills me]

SING: not because you love the song - because you love to sing.

2010-07-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

So I think I have a possible temporary explanation for some of this floundering I've been experiencing the last little while of my life (I'd say probably, it's been a year and a half that I've been a complete free-bird, but because I once was, I know it's my predisposition). It's not that I haven't been generally happy, but I know I've been missing that little sparkle that, at one point, glimmered even when things in life appeared to be the dullest of gray's.
I know a lot of it is that my relationship with God has basically been non-existent since I ignorantly decided that life is possible without him (once aquatinted with God, this is not possible nor is it worth living. just as a side note) an intimacy with the creator is what brings blissful joy beyond measure and comprehension and I know this is true. But as I am in the process of aligning my heart with his, I am realizing my most incredible moments with Him, and therefore with life itself, were the ones where I was expressing my love/joy/peace/bliss/you-name-it-good-vibes through song.
I don't even have to be in the middle of a crowded room with all eye's on me. It's not about performing, it's about expression. It's wild what a little tune and lyric will do for my heart.
Growing up, I always had an outlet for this. Ten years of classical vocal training, being forced into competitions and festivals, leading worship in my teens, and hanging out with musicians from my church 24/7, always gave me the push I needed to do that which I did not even know at the time to be my deepest desire. That same desire is crying for life inside of me as I haven't been as forced into it. When my business partner with Mosaic, Nicole, asked me if I've been trying to get involved and start singing, I realized I really haven't - not in the least. I only did it when it was almost hard not to. It suddenly occurred to me that if I want to have joy, I need to actively surround myself with the things that bring me joy - even if I have to go out of my way, isn't it necessary? In the same way, if I want to make friends, I can't just sit on my ass and wait for the grass to grow underneath it. I have to make an effort. This may mean bringing people sweets, inviting them over for a BBQ, and really making time in my schedule where I can just chill and develop friendships with others.
I was recently selected to be in Earl's next issue of code modeling the latest fashion dress codes for BP's. Today as I stood in the middle of a bare, white-walled and unfamiliar studio with ten eyes and a camera flashing on me, I could not have felt more out of my comfort zone. Not that it wasn't fun getting my hair and make-up done by professional fashion artists, but just how new it was to me, I was freightened. I just started singing. Haha not sure if anyone knew why or if they even thought it was a good idea. But I just had to. It all of a sudden made me feel so comfortable again.
This should be as important to me as breathing. Copeland put it nicely :)

throw me a life-line.

2010-07-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

at this point in my life, definitely learning how important it is for me to artistically express myself. i realized this the other day when lyrics suddenly started coming into my heart and i had absolutely no way of expressing them due to a lack of instruments right now in my life. sad day.
note to self: along with pug-fund, espresso-machine-fund, and travel-fund, i am now adding a keyboard-fund... it's too bad that joy costs money :)
with that said, i have no idea what topic i am blogging today. i just know that i have about a billion blogs in me right now waiting to POP out of me like a new born baby. i wrote this in my journal one day and it truly was a revelation to myself as i wrote:
"i am afraid to be alone in my own head - i hate it. so i speak to get it all out in hopes that someone will understand" (19/06/10). and how true that is hence why i've always gotten myself into trouble by speaking without thinking. i'm sure it would be in my best interest to begin exploiting my heart for all of the cyber world to see... :). i'll admit, last summer when i started this blog, i did go into it with the intention of just keeping people generally updated on my life as i traveled the golden coast of America. now, i begin to regularly blog (i commit. hold me to it.) in the general interest of my mental health. i don't care if you don't read. it's just the idea.

before i moved here i thought i was an alone-kind-of-person. even my roomies at 23 court (YEAHHH SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY ROOMIES I LOVE AND MISS YOU) can attest that i was sometimes kind of a little social isolate closing my door and often times, staying in my room for quiet and aloneness. i was never afraid to be alone but since moving here i realized that was probably because i always had the option not to be.
now that i truly know what it feels like to be alone (okay minus having my boyfriend but just so you know, he's about a 45 minute commute away) with only a dozen pseudo friends in my phone contact whom of which i would need to be the one to initiate any outings, it's not so great. but being alone is teaching me something really amazing.

it's funny. before i ventured here, i felt like i was trying to fill my god-shaped void with partying and thought if i cut partying out of my life, i would be truly dependent on god (my ultimate goal - if you don't understand, just try him and you'll know what i mean) but there are still so many things in my world that i continue to cling to. tangible things i can be gratified with in the moment. i never even realized it until god stripped me of all the big things.
i just get this picture in my head of me in the middle of the ocean on a huge ship. the huge ship starts to sink so i get into a back-up smaller boat. that boat starts to sink so i get into an inflatable raft. i keep doing this until all i have left is a pair of water wings, and as those begin to break, i keep desperately stretching and reaching for anything in my sight that may be able to keep me afloat. and even as i reach for the crappiest floatation's, i realize my own stupidity in that if i just stop for 3 seconds, i will stay afloat with nothing but faith and my act of believing.

when i'm scraping by with money, my looks begin to fade, i am socially alone, and my successes all seem like a vague memory, i realize what it means to be dependent on god. but isn't it hard to surrender your independence when there are so many things that make you feel so independent? so secure?

thank God that he takes away every once in a while in our lives, so rather than for forever just ho-humming along thinking we're pretty golden, we can actually realize that all of our floatations sink, break, and totally suck. it's nice to know that the one that never will, is actually free of purchase and will keep you afloat right where you are.

yaletown earls

2010-05-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

Hey! So I got a job. Yeah... a real job. One where you show up at a certain time and leave 6 hours later and then you do the same thing for the next 4 days and then you get a thing called a pay cheque and it actually pays your bills. Not one of those pretend jobs where you get to sleep in a bunk bed, dress up, play games, and act silly all day, and eat your [really awesome] meals with 500 other people; and not one of those pretend jobs where you forget you're even working because your manager decided that he doesn't like white people and only gives you one shift a week.

I work as a server at Earls. Last week consisted of really intense training with 7 other people. This training was like... classroom learning and role-playing practice. On the first day, we had to actually know every food on the menu like the back of our hand. The rest of the week we spent actually tasting the food [cue mouth watering] and drinks and learned how to speak to the customers guests, make their experience memorable, and maximize profits as well as learned how to use the micros system.

It's a really great job. I went into it with preconceived idea about the people I would be working with (if you live on west coast, the term "earls girl" is something you're probably familiar with and for those of you who aren't... it is not a good thing).

I learned throughout the week that Earls actually really cares about the quality of the food and the quality of the guests experience. I could begin to tell you how but I guess I'll just sum it up by saying it does exceed my expectation and I'm happy to be working for a company like Earls. It's got a lot of fascinating history and ways of outshining other restaurants like it.

Training was hard and I realized how much of a baby I am! I haven't felt like such a small town naive girl clearly lacking street experience until this training week when I realized I didn't know the difference between a "well" and "premium" liquor. It blew me away though, how much my co-workers and trainer cared for me through it, encouraged me, and became my friend. It's weird to say but the people I went through training with have probably become the closest friends I have out here and I feel like I am where I'm meant to be.

Basically to sum up this scrammbled jumbled blog entry is to say that I went into this job looking for a pay check. I came out of it with a handful of friends and a heartful of love. I'm looking forward to all the experiences that will come with this job - knowing full well there will be both good and bad - and, I can truly say that as far as I know, for Yaletown Earls, the rumors are not entirely true. There are a lot of good people in the business.

INCLUDING ME!

<3>

Boycot "Earls-girl" and enjoy your Fresh, never frozen salmon cooked on a cedar plank!

the past 4 years

2010-05-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

I wish I had done differently:

- I bought t-shirts too small
- I moved out before I was ready
- I made down payments for TWO trips I didn't end up going on
- I didn't perform (sing) enough
- I had too many crushes
- I didn't go on enough coffee dates
- I didn't show enough love to some people who deserved it
- I put too much pressure on myself
- I spent too much time on facebook
- I didn't spend any time in the snow... devastating
- I didn't try hard enough to find a job summer '09
- I became complacent, lazy, stopped running up the never-ending downward escalator, and only realized when it was already too late.

Things I'm glad I did
- I worked on my fitness
- I bought a MacBook
- I bought an external hard-drive
- I cut back on tanning
- I found myself a keeper
- I cried a lot
- I went to mom with life's problems
- I didn't take school too seriously
- I discovered avocados
- I found my soul mates
- I traveled to California for a summer
- I saw New Zealand
- I saw Vegas
- I traveled east coast USA
- I was a camp counselor... twice
- I got a job at a fast food joint
- I discovered my love for journaling, fashion, and blogs
- And my dislike for indoor Christmas lights, morning exercise and evening school-work
- I rediscovered the undeniable need for God in my life.

blog-Mode

2010-05-09T21:26:00.001-07:00

Same blog. New era. I really didn't even want to try and write an opening entry to my life in B.C.. Firstly because I am still definitely in denial.

Second because I'm not just one emotion... I'm like a million... at least. So how do I write this blog? I guess I'll make it short and sweet and say, this feels so right.

I have no idea what the summer holds, in fact, the day I got here I found out I am not even going to Calgary (which, by the way, has been the plan for about 3 months now). I actually breathed a long sigh of relief when Riley told me his parents aren't even moving there until July. Since I'm already paying rent for July and August here in B.C., why no throw June in there, get a job, and make a summer out of it?

Oh, one thing I do not get is how all of Riley's friends say "mode" after everything. "Beer-Mode!" ... "Race-mode" etc. Not sure if I'll join the mode club but I guess I'll end my blog with a try:

I'm in Vancouver Modeeeeee.

Every Kiss

2010-01-16T16:59:00.000-08:00

Every kiss should be kissed
as if it is your first,
and your last.From the movie Leap Year. Not many words, but good ones. :)

Dear Santa,

2009-12-06T10:13:00.000-08:00

This Christmas can I please just have one thing? All I want is a Hug from my boyfriend Riley. I know you're busy so I won't ask for anything else but if you can do more, a kiss would be nice too.

Thank you.

change of path, change of pace, change of life.

2009-12-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

Every time I attempt to go for a run outside, I go through periods of uncertainty... "Well... I don't know if I am hydrated enough"
"I just finished eating"
"I haven't eaten enough"
"I could just go to Nubody's on the bike?"
"I hope no one sees me"
"It's really cold and... *cough*... I don't feel that great"
"It's that time of month"
...

Honestly.
The excuses could go on forever so just the feat of getting my butt out the door is a battle in itself. Once I start, then the decision turns to "Where do I run today?"
It's not like Antigonish is a mini San Francisco, but it definitely has it's fair-share of hills that should be taken into account when you chose your route. Personally, I like to plan my run to get the up-hill stuff out of the way. It's nice to get it over-with and then the flat land and down hill stuff is such a breeze.
When I was a little girl, Hawthorne Street seemed like the most enormous street ever. I only walked it if I absolutely had to. I remember in the summer, Lesley and my babysitters use to make us walk it and it seemed like it took all day to walk down and get some ice cream and go to the park and then walk back up. So the other day when I decided I would run up to my home-home from my X-home, I thought for sure it was going to be kind of difficult.
It wasn't. It turns out, Hawthorne is not that up-hill... it's fairly flat. And it turns out, it's really quite short.

I dunno why but all of this got me to thinking about how life is kinda like that. Not only do certain things seem to be in higher grade than they are (for example, I was SO nervous to not use a math work book when I graded from grade 2 to grade 3, but it ended up being not so bad once I got there and had to use... a scribbler... big D folks... or the fear of going to University in grade 12 and feeling like you'll never be ready for it) but also when we step out into our big scary world there are easy routes, and hard routes.
Sometimes we don't take any routes. We just wait for things to happen.
Sometimes we take easy routes. We do what we know we can do, we stay on the worn out path, and we are undefeated but totally unchallenged, bored and unchanged.
Sometimes, though, we step out of the comfortable path we're use to. Our pace slows down because we aren't use to it. Sometimes we don't even know if we'll make it - we don't know how much we can handle. Sometimes we keep going. Sometimes we take breaks. Sometimes we turn around. Sometimes we give up. The choices we make, and the paths we embark on, will inevitably affect the condition of our hearts. Just in the same way that our bodies will adjust to the same old work-out if we do them every day, our souls will remain static in the times we stay safe because it's habit and it's what we're use to.

All I know is...
I want more. I want to feel tired and keep going. I want to not know how many blocks there are to go before I will be finished. I want to push myself beyond my limits - beyond what barriers I've reached in the past that stopped me. I want to move into my runners high and feel challenged. I want to chose the path I'm not use to - the one I don't want to take, but that God wants me to take. I want to grow. I want to be changed. And then, I want to do it again.

When the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember, the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there.
-Rk

layers of me

2009-11-24T06:25:00.000-08:00

Ashlee Simpson's "Pieces of Me" is undoubtedly catchy. Her emphasis on the "p" in pieces is probably one thing that makes it fun to sing:
♪P-ces. P-ces. P-ces of me♪,but if I was Ashlee (something I would never wish upon myself), I think I would sing Layers instead of Pieces. It definitely doesn't sound as cool but I feel as though it makes so much more sense in the spirit of the song. The song is about all the many things that make her who she is and how her man just thinks she's great for both the good and the bad. "I am moody, messy. I get restless, and it's senseless, how you never seem to care."
I am a chronic dater okay?! I know that doesn't make me any sort of relationship guru. In fact, it probably just demonstrates how uneducated I am when it comes to men and... the fact that I still haven't figured them out is a little mind-boggling. Practice makes perfect though, right? :)
Regardless of the fact that I haven't mastered the art of "relationships," I have still managed to realize one thing - everyone is so complex. It would be nice to believe that some people are "what-you-see-is-what-you-get" kinda people, but I truly can't believe that those people exist. We are so enriched with a history so intricate, that in full detail, it would fill a library. And all of that history - all of those experiences - are the parts that make us the multi-layered, complicated, but incredibly interesting people we are. You can never step into a relationship believing that you have the other person figured out because as soon as I think I have Riley figured out, he surprises me with something new. Sometimes bad, but usually good, but all-in-all, lovable.
Riley and I both went into this feeling like we've known each other our whole lives. I have to laugh at that now. I do think I see Riley's heart - that I relate to his soul. But soul-connection and social-connection are two very different things and every day that I am in this relationship with Riley, he is shedding more layers of himself and it is revealing me more and more of all the things that make him Riley.
I have come to the conclusion that I can never come to a conclusion - that I can't, as much as I want to, believe him to be my soul mate, until he has shed many more layers.
I'm really glad we have layers. I like his. I hope he never stops shedding them. & I hope he likes mine too.

you can... but you shouldn't

2009-11-23T07:47:00.001-08:00

You can, but you shouldn't complain that things are boring - that there isn't enough going on. That your town is too small, your weekends are repetitive, and your motivation for life in general isn't strong enough to actually do anything about it. We, as a generation, have been so overloaded with excitement that it turns to white noise. I remember dating a guy in high school who took a vacation with his family every single spring break. I think it's nice they spend their money on quality time together as a family but I noticed his 8- and 10-year-old siblings being less than impressed by Disney World because they had been there so many times that its excitement wore off. While on the topic of Disney, I even noticed the huge gap between my excitement and my friends' this summer when I finally had the opportunity to go. It was my first time and growing up, the exciting vacations me and my family took were to PEI and Moncton - cheah... Crystal Palace... Sandspit... so bomb.
Okay, okay. I'll admit I am kind of envious of people who grew up going to really amazing places and experiencing travel before they were even old enough to travel on their own. My point isn't to say that traveling and excitement and big Christmas's are bad in and of themselves. I guess my point is just to say that we are so bombarded by materialistic forms of pleasure and joy that we exhaust ourselves with so many activities and it becomes increasingly more difficult to satisfy our needs.
Just a thought to ponder on.
Maybe... when we are feeling bored... that we don't have enough... or that we're not doing enough exciting things, we should really stop and be grateful that we don't have something in our lives to legitimately complain about - as many of us do. If we find ourselves in a place where things are just plain boring, don't jinx it by wishing you had something to do. Because sure enough, there will be times you'll have something to do - and it will be anything but pleasurable. We are just on such roller coasters. Sometimes we're going up. Sometimes we feel we're crashing down. And sometimes we are at a standstill - the place in the roller coaster where you're moving but you're not feeling anything. Be thankful for those moments.
Be grateful. When you have a pet pass away (RIP Jude), you get dumped by a significant other, or worst of all, you lose a loved one or close friend to a tragic accident, you'll really notice the difference between boredom and drama, trauma, and sadness. And you'll miss having nothing to do or think about.
Let's just think about it friends.

<3

the L word.

2009-11-14T00:26:00.000-08:00

I know my emotions are deep. I am thankful for that. I would hate to be a blogger about how soap was on sale at Shoppers or how my cat pooped behind the couch. I'm really glad I care more about the substance behind hearts than the everyday musings of everyday life. Of course, musing can be enjoyable at times, but I believe we have much more purpose than waking up, breathing, laughing, sleeping, and dying. I know people aren't that extreme... but with that said, I do think many just float. They float along through the motions of life. There are some people who don't even stop to question what was before and what is after the existence of our physical bodies, and what our purpose is here on earth.
Tonight, in the midst of much angst and turmoil, I asked Riley, my incredible boyfriend, "Babe...?"
"Yeah, Rena"
"What do we do?" (No need to get into detail - I'm sure you've asked yourself the same vague question before)
"For now... We just Love. It's what we're here to do."

I do Love. I love many people for many different reasons and in many different kinds of ways. I have never held myself back from using the word. I do wear my heart on my sleeve. I have no reservations. Maybe it's a bad thing, but it's how I've always been. I genuinely Love people. Since my first boyfriend in Grade 9, I've said the three words: "I Love You" & subsequent boyfriends after that (not every one, but a lot) have been told that. I have no regrets for using the word the way I did, because at the time, I meant it.
However, since Grade 9, my definition of love has changed significantly.
Claire inspired me to redefine love in my life so I started a page in my journal with the heading "LOVE IS:...." and as I encountered life, I slowly added to my list. I knew the next time I said those three words, that I would know exactly what it was I was saying and that there would be no misunderstandings between my heart and my head.

I thought I would share the list. Perhaps you take nothing from it. That's fine. But maybe you can find some things on the list that pertain to what you would hope to have in your love.

Love is...
Powerful beyond all measure
Only truly achieved after faith and trust are deeply rooted and established
The one thing that will not fail
The better understanding of another's heart - the kind of understanding that comes after the love story has turned to real life
Not absent when physical contact ceases
A state of absolute Bliss
Something that remains long after butterflies end
Not tested by fighting or arguments - it's beyond "getting along" and should not alter when moods do
Not a feeling - it's a state of being
Sacrifice (1 John 3:16 "this is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us & we ought to lay down our life for our friends and brothers")
Not blind
Passion
Committed and happy to be
Self-control
A choice - you choose it every day that you are married to a person
<3

the Samaritan woman at the well

2009-11-09T09:27:00.000-08:00

I love my Mom:

"... let the portals open and the of glory come down from heaven and fill you with the healing and peace and freedom that is yours to enjoy.

Remember, without a crisis we remain complacent in our relationship with God, so praise Him through it until you get the answer. The answer is coming, your healing is coming but you need to know... you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. "

- Mom

doe-doe-head

2009-11-07T03:53:00.000-08:00

I feel like a bit of a doe-doe.
I spent the night at HOME-home last night which was beyond lovely. Had some real heart-to-hearts with Mom and relaxed. The best part was when I got up this morning to go to my 7am shift and she got up with me at 6am to make me coffee and breakfast which was totally unnecessary but very appreciated. She dropped me off and the first thing I said when I walked into the break room and saw Julia and Lauren was "I can't believe we're going to be here for 8 hours... that's such a long time." Haha... well... I ate my words no more than 2 minutes later when I discovered I wasn't suppose to be there until 3pm. Wicckkkeed. Nothing better than getting up at 6 for no reason.
It turns out I am actually happy. Not happy about working the 3-11 shift - I strongly dislike the 3-11 shift - but I'm glad I didn't know I was working that shift. If I did, I would have slept in, and bummed around until 3. I'm much happier getting up early and being productive. Can't even go back to bed because I've already had 2 cups of coffee. But I'm sure a nap will be in order after I go to the gym.
Anyways, since I've got a bit of extra time on my hands, I'll share some things. I chose point form, cause I have a lot to say and they don't really have anything to do with one another:

Jude fail #691: knocks over my full 1-litre cup of water from my tall dresser beside my bed onto me and my body in the middle of the night. Talk about worst wake-up ever. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure I gave him an even stronger concussion than he already has.
I'm no movie-critic, but I'm pretty sure Couple's Retreat makes my top ten boring movies list. Such a waste of $7.
I gave up beer. Haaah. Wish me luck on that one.
Zero motivation for school. I don't know what's happened to me. I use to be so studious and now I'm a last-minute kind of studier. Don't care.
I miss O.C. and all the people in it.
One-Month-Til-X-Ring was so much fun. Everyone was just so happy and carefree. I want to do it again.
I bought a camera. Finally. I've been going crazy since I broke mine in SanFran - always depending on other people for pics. Claire: CanonPowerShot-SD1000. Sound familiar?
26 days until The Bling-Blang X-Rang Yo. :)
Emotional-Theme-Of-Life-Lately = Insecure. Should I even admit that? Isn't that giving my insecurities more power? I dunno. All I know is that it's there and I want it to leave. So that's been my reason for getting rid of Facebook for a week. It's hard enough living in the real world with 100's of societal pressures but then throw the cyber world in there and it's a whole new battle. I've been focusing my attention toward God and the promises he's given me:
1 Peter 2:9 "But you are not like that. You are a chosen people. You are a kingdom of priests, God's holy nation, His very own possession"
Ephesians 1:6-8 "So we praise God fo the wonderful kindness he has poured out on us because we belong to his dearly loved Son. He is so rich in kindness that he purchased our freedom through the blood of his Son, and our sins are forgiven. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding"
2:8a "God saved you by his special favor when you believed."
Ahh. I could go on and on. It's truly the only way I can successfully do this "life" thing. I am over building my identity on things that fail me.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite since the title of my blog is "Content with where I am and getting where I need to be." I want to be content like that. I'm working on it.

Work In Progress…

you make all things work together for my good

2009-11-06T16:31:00.000-08:00

"I know I still make mistakes but

You have new mercies for me everyday.

& Your Love never fails."

set in

2009-11-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

Vancouver, B.C.

2009-10-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

I love it.
I love everything about it.

I only spent 4 nights there but in those 4 nights, Riley had an exhaustive list of activities to make sure I got to see as much of the city as possible, and experience it for everything it's worth. I am so glad it was Riley, of all people, who was responsible for making my two-way ticket worth the money. Because he appreciates the same things I do and had such a desire to just treat me and show me a good time.

I arrived there late at night - later than planned - around 1:30a.m.. So I was pretty tuckered! I was so cranky the flight had bothered my sinus infection a lot but as soon as I saw him, standing at the bottom of the escalator, my heart skipped a beat. Is that man really mine? That handsome, and extremely charming man? I hugged him when I got off the elevator and made a mental note to myself to really try my best to shake of my sickness. He took me through the city to show me the lights and we headed into Burnaby, his town, and finally, Pandora Street. I was so excited to be there, but fell asleep instantly regardless. The next morning we slept in and he informed me this morning's activity is kayaking and hiking! So excited about both. We ate waffles, got dressed, packed a lunch.
Kayaking was incredibly gorgeous. It was so peaceful and we even got so lucky to get close to some seals. I felt a huge rush of peace as we paddled through the green hills - I felt loved, and protected. It was so quiet. The hike was perfectly challenging for me and my cold, and when we got to the rock at the top, we got to look down at the waters we had just been in and ate ham sandwiches Riley made.
That night I was so lucky to spend it with his roommates and friends for a potluck. Riley BBQed steak and made a casserole and I mixed some guacamole. We had some delicious red wine, a ginormous feast with way too much food left over, and a dance-party. Then someone had a brilliant idea that Riley and Ryan make a video to Eminem's Lose Yourself. Definitely entertaining:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5ENsstN8RI

The next two days were spent exploring the city - going to the market, doing a little down town shopping and sight-seeing, walking in parks, sitting on the shore, taking touristy pictures - stuff like that. And Saturday night he told me to put on my finest for a surprise: "It's something I've always wanted to do but never have. I don't think you've ever done it - there are only a few in the world. I'm not going to tell you what it is but basically, you can't be over-dressed" :) He had me close my eyes until I was facing all of Vancouver city half-way up a glass elevator. It was phenomenal - a rotating restaurant. Definitely not something you do everyday but I definitely recommend it. "I was trying to think of a way to show you the whole city in 4 days. I thought this would be perfect" and it was - such a great evening. We went to the Karaoke bar his roommate, Breanne, bartend's at and he sang the classic, Teenage Dirtbag by Weezer... an obvious choice. Sunday night after church we ate at the restaurant he works at - the Keg - incredible and affordable [with his discount]. I was feeling really sick by the end of it though, so we headed home and I crawled into bed like a big baby and got serenaded to sleep by Riley's voice.
We spent our Thanksgiving Monday first eating sushi and then with family-friends of the Merrell's - but basically family. It was precious. They had a long table and so many people over and at the end of the meal we went around and said something we were thankful for. It was kinda over-the-top adorable. Riley and I took some coffee, 3 hours before leaving for the airport, sat on the patio by the heater and recorded a song together. Not really good quality what with my sniffles in between meters but still great because it meant a lot for us to record that medley together.

We drove to the airport and people-watched a lot and found a really great way to lay down on airport benches where we both get to lay down and we both use each others shoulders as a pillow. Riley was like "take a mental picture of this one - we won't want to forget it for when we start traveling together." Haha we watched so many couples say goodbye to each other and judged them because they aren't as good as us. Instead of hugging, kissing, and crying, we did a secret handshake, highfive thingy when it was time for me to go through security... just so we wouldn't be one of those couples. But then we were serious and it got all sad. :(

Umm so basically, I'm in love.
I'm in love with Vancouver, and I'm in love with Riley. Ooo. The L-word.
Get out of the way - we're in love.

Oh.
And did I mention we're spending Christmas together in B.C. as well? Yup. Intense.
Happy, happy, love-dovey meeeeeeeee.

cough cough cough cough sniffle barf Zzz

2009-10-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

Okay minus the barfing part. But dude can I just complain for like 4 sentences?
I am siiiiiiiiiiick and actually don't remember the last time I felt so terrible! My entire body aches, have mucus in every area of my sinus's and my head feels like 100 pounds. Not to mention my cold sweats and lack of taste and smell... I'm miserable. I've heard horror stories of people flying when they are sick but I never really understood what the big deal is until I did it. It's not that you just have a lack of space to stretch your legs, no one to cuddle or care for you, and no real privacy... but the elevation does quite the number to your head. Take it from me: flying with a sinus infection does not make your ears feel good. I came home with a "hemmorage" to my eardrum... whatever that means. I suppose it's better than a rupture but still... who wants a hemmorage?!
I wanted to slap Riley when he said "Lucky you ... you just stay in bed all day and sleep and then talk to me and then sleep..." ARGGH! Does he know how uncomfortable this is?! I would way rather be in the real world and healthy and writing my midterms and being normal than this. I got out of my midterms but I'm still going to have to write them at some point plus I'm so far behind in all of my work cause now I have missed classes I have to somehow make up for.

BLAH.
I think this is to teach me a lesson that your health is the most valuable thing you own. Cherish it. Love it. Cradle it... and hold onto it. You don't realize how wonderful it is until it evaporates from your fingertips and you have to just sit and wait for it to get better.

giving thanks

2009-10-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful for a lot of things this thanksgiving. But it's fairly predictable that this thanksgiving will be unique in that I will be thankful for the amazing man I am so privileged to spend it with. It will also mark the two month anniversary of the day I met him (in person, not cyber world) - which doesn't seem like a very long time to have known someone - but I consider it to be significant because within those two months (and the months leading up to it... in the cyber world) I have not only gotten to know some of the in's, out's, up's, and down's of a person that I had immediate positive feelings for, but I have come to a greater understanding of myself, my heart, and my God. I have grown up more in these past two months than I have in the earlier 12. I have left fear at the door and have challenged myself beyond what I believed I could have met. This isn't a corny thanks for my boyfriend - he's so cute and like we like to like hold hands and kiss and it's so cool and he's like really amazing. Yeah he is those things and I am definitely a big-time little school girl about this incredible boy. But, more than that, in all seriousness, I have so much gratitude that I have someone in my life to inspire me and build me up into a stronger, better, and more beautiful me than I thought was possible.

Thank you for accepting me into your arms this Thanksgiving. Thank you for your support and for your confidence in me as an individual. I have no doubt you deserve many of the thanks I have to offer.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you so much that you have allowed me to handle Gold when I didn't spend silver wisely. Thank you for bringing me to a new level of me, and for granting me with peace I have not felt for a long time. Thank you for the past, where I have stumbled, the present, where I climb, and the future, which you hold, and have blessed me with the hope in advance for. You are an incredible God to serve because you come right when I need you, but you also allow me to fall, so I can know what it's like to be picked up. Thank you for sending me Riley when I was undeserving. I love you. You deserve the most thanks. Amen.

impulse versus logic? !@#$%^&*(

2009-10-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

note to self:
chose logic.

...story of my lifeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

uncontainable inexplainable unfathomable joy

2009-10-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

We don't give her a name. Sometimes referred to as Devil Woman, she's the one who ripped my man's heart into too many pieces. I've never been seriously traumatically heart-broken. The kind where, when you repeat the story, others can't help but have some serious sympathy for your situation. I've been really lucky to have pretty neat and clean break-ups. No break-up is a good break-up, but you have to admit, there are some really bad one's out there, and I'm pretty sure Riley's would have to top the charts for evil. Evil doing, evil intentions, evil spirit... Just no bueno. I try as best as I can to understand what it's like but sometimes it's hard for me because I see how what she did to him is still affecting his life... including our relationship. I hope she never reads this because truth be told, both Riley and I would be extremely upset if she knew how much she is still haunting his life. It would be a disappointment to know that she would get that kind of sick satisfaction. Anyways, as best as one can, I try to really be there for him despite the fact that sometimes his broken heart turns into baggage that makes it hard for him to care about someone again. It's understandable and I know it's not personal. It has nothing to do with how good of a girlfriend I am. It is what it is. It's the past, and you can't change the past. You just live every day the best you can and try to move on. And I know that's what he's doing.

Going back to Vancouver didn't make his heart heal any quicker. He was suddenly bombarded by memories that she left him with. Good memories, I'm assuming, but ones that now just haunt him because all they make him think of is what she did to him. I totally called him out for it. I could tell he was uneasy. And he finally gave in and, leaving denial at the door, came clean about his insecurities when it comes to that dark aspect of his past.

We decided it would be in both of our best interests to take a week. To breathe. To think. To pray. To come to terms with ourselves and with our lives. Not a break like "Oh we're... on a break..." haha just a civil break from talking to each other so we could focus on our baggage and insecurities. It was a difficult week, but definitely well needed and extremely therapeutic. At least... for me it was. About 4 days after we started talking again I got a package in the mail from Riley. I opened it to find red cardboard cut-outs in some jigsaw pieces with writing all over each one with a paper-clip to secure them together. The sticky note on the outside read "I know she broke my heart into many pieces. But I'm certain you're the only one who can graciously put those pieces back together." And each piece had a message written on it - one for each day that Riley and I weren't talking. It made me laugh, and it made me cry. It was, to this day, the most thoughtful thing any one has ever done and for the first time, I experienced Riley's heart. I mean... I think I have experienced bits and pieces of it before, but this time, something was different and I felt like it was the most raw and real version of someones heart I've ever sensed.

After I finished reading them, I got my scotch tape and put the puzzle together. It was awakening, and revitalizing and beautiful. I feel so lucky to be the one who gets to put the pieces back together and to have a man who will let me do that. I'm sure he's not going to be totally stoked I wrote a blog about it - haha he's probably embarassed that he's such a softy and now everyone knows it. But he'll understand... I'm sure... :)

So yeahhh... we're basically the cutest thing since Ps. I Love You.
He's da best. Da best I ever had.

caffine & Happy Man

2009-09-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I should not drink coffee in order to stay awake for my night class... But I do anyways. And today, I had a nap. Therefore, I can't sleep right now. On top of my high energy, I have a persistent cough. It doesn't even hurt - it's just annoying. So being that I have some time on my hands, I lay in bed with my computer. I day-dream. I check facebook (& maybe I did creep some of the highlights in the news feed). I turn out my light. I talk to God. I cuddle with Mitch (the penguin). I then start talking to Jude (in a very realistic way) and realize I probably am not falling asleep any time soon.
I feel like I did when I was a little girl. You're tired all day and then as soon as mom says it's bed time, you are wide awake. Les and I used to sleep in the same bed all the time and I remember falling asleep was the last thing we could do. Especially when we had babysitters. We would just talk and play and laugh and tell stories and one favorite game was seeing who could shoot little balls of wool out of their nostril the farthest. Very entertaining, indeed. I feel like that right now.

So I am going to write a blog about the black man with dreds who sits on St. Ninians Street. I don't really get it but this is a route I walk to school every day. I've never talked to the black man with dreds who sits on St. Ninians Street (for the purpose of this blog, I shall call him HM, short for Happy Man because he's, well, a happy man), but that never stops him from making the effort... and neither does the fact that I purposely walk on the opposite side of the street.
HM literally sits out on his patio all day on St. Ninians. I don't know his purpose in life - if he's a student or if he's working full time, part time, or if he's just a lazy ass bum who has a trust fund. All I know is that I can count on him being on his patio 80% of the time. Another 10%, he's walking around in front of his patio. It's a pretty busy street, St. Ninians, because the students use it a lot for their comings and goings.
And in addition to his consistency of being on his patio, he also seems to consistently be happy, loud, and extremely willing to meet people. As people walk by he just starts talking to them, very loudly. Like I said, I walk on the other side of the street, yet he still yells from across the traffic "Are you having a good day?!" "Keep smiling!"
Haha I don't understand his intentions. Others have told me he offers them beer and I can usually hear some reggae music coming from inside of his little bungalo house.
I guess the reason I write about him is because while he's odd, he makes me very curious. He strikes a chord with me that no one ever has. I mean we all have seen people who siton the streets just talking to randoms because they want some company. But something tells me that HM is different. I feel like his efforts are for the sake of others. I wonder what life would be like if we all slowed down and like HM just told people to smile. Left notes under people's books, and bought an extra cookie for the person behind you in the line up. It makes me happy to think that some people aren't caught up in gain or in fortune. But just in people, in happiness, in smiling, in living and enjoying and slowing down to take in all that oxygen and be thankful for it. I am happy HM has inspired me to try to do that more... even though I am way too scared to talk to him.

scrambled eggs

2009-09-30T09:34:00.001-07:00

today I feel like scrambled eggs.

scrraaaammm scraaam sccraaam.
there.
scrambled eggs.

oh, how he loves us

2009-09-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

It's actually not even remotely fathomable how much he cares for us. Even through the most fearful moments in our lives, it's really wonderful to know that we have a mighty, amazing, and loving God to cling to. And that our efforts may end but His never do.
He is holding my hand and loving me in a way I will never understand.
And I have everything to worship him for.
Thank you, God. You are good.

:: Your life is a miracle, and the Creator of the universe knows you by name.

::He's big enough to breathe out our stars, yet intricate enough to fashion together the trillions of cells that make up every facet of who you are :: The God who spoke the universe into existence made you, too, and knows everything about you :: From the smallest molecule to the situation you find yourself in right now, He's aware of your circumstances and intimately acquainted with everything you do. And He cares about you and promises to carry you through.

:: That's where we find hope in the midst of the darkest places in life. The journey often complicated and painful, filled with confusion and chaos. Yet, the cross of Christ reveals God's promise to preserve and restore you no matter what the circumstance :: He will Hold onto you and hold you together, giving strength to those who hope in His unfailing love.

:: He is the everlasting God.

mooshy gooshy mumble fumble swooshy

2009-09-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

feelings of inept
continue to linger in
the hope that once burned bright
is slowly growing dim
am i wrong?
do i belong?
should i listen to my hearts song?
it's playing in a minor key
now that things are wrong
but it wasn't long ago
it sounded like the angels' song

i come and then i go
in and out of phases
in and out of stages
of plays and and circus cages
one time to be loved
and sometimes just paraded
but no matter where i tend to stand
i continue to believe
i have purpose and He has planned
i'm where i'm suppose to be

i'm in a swarming vortex
a whirlwind of expectation
bars to be reached
standards, met
it's complete exasperation
it can bring me to my knees
where everything is healed
or i fall deeper into doubt
on the floor in fetal
i want my insides to explode
so that everybody feels
the heart and soul
i want them to hold
so they can know what's real
and i can stop pretending
and playing these roles
i can stop defending
the raw and real version of my soul
the one with holes
the one with sores
the one that has beauty
the one that wants more

i feel evaporated
what do i have to give?
who am i?
and what is this?
please just let me live.
let me be
and let me grow
let me see
and let me know
i feel i lose a piece of me
when acknowledgment is absent
i can't explore the inner being
and i end up feeling resentment
i try to change the shape i am
so i can fit into the hole that's been cut for me
but nothing about this hole
truly let's me see
the deeper version of me
begging to be free
begging to be seen
eye to eye
nose to nose
toe to toe
heart to heart

dying to be known
as the inner core of me
hoping to be shown
that's all i need to be

'cause at the end of the day
that's all that i can be
i hope that i'm okay
this girl, rena marie

he's kinda [cute]

2009-09-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

and I'm pretty into him

fumbling her confidence.

2009-09-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

I'm in a new period of my life where I am constantly disappointed with the way I look. It's so easy to get caught up in image - especially when school just started and I'm around all these amazing looking girls all the time. & the argument is typical: "You're not ugly... you're SO pretty! I'M UGLY. Look at this (grabs skin on butt)." Sarah and I had a convo about this. It's like we're suppose to complain about the way we look. And when our friends do, we're suppose to tell them their crazy, and then compete with them about who needs to lose weight more. It sounds ridiculous, but when you think about it, 90% of the time a girl complains about the way she looks with a group of girls, another will chime in with equal negativity about herself.
This seems to be a recurring theme in my life:
Trial. Error. Self-disappointment. Of course, that's not to say there aren't times where I'm happy with the way things turned out, but of course those times are completely overshadowed by the times I feel inadequate. Whenever this happens, I come to the same place - on my knees; with teary eyes and an open heart; sad, alone and vulnerable.
When I have those times, whether it's feeling ugly, stupid, a failure, socially unaccepted, or anything that makes me feel like less of a ME than I truly am, there is no way that anyone can tell me otherwise. It's not that I don't have good friends, but when I'm told "You're so pretty" or "You are so smart" etc., it doesn't change the way I feel about myself. Because the truth is, there is no one who can feel or think for you. It's you - only you. It's me. And my girl Sarah said it well: "You really can't expect anyone - not me, not your mom, not Riley, to convince you of how amazing you are Rena. You need to find it in yourself and let it manifest in your life." It's true. No one wants to be that girl with low self-confidence and complete insecurity - it creates a lot of problems in the relationships around you.
For me, finding my beauty in myself translates to finding my beauty, security, and identity in my savior, Jesus Christ. It's getting down to the raw, real, daughter of the Most High, Rena Murray, and realizing how spectacular she is. A+ or D. Size 2 or size 6. Zits or not. Long hair or short. Tanned or pale. Success or failure. Gain or loss. It's not my heart. It's not my soul. It's not me and it's not Christ. It's superficial shit that invades our lives and takes away from what is real and what is good.
I don't even put my iPod on shuffle anymore when I go to the gym. I'd rather not listen to some rapper sing about his girls tight ass. Instead, I put Bethany Dillon's Beautiful on repeat, and let the words sink into my heart. I am trying really hard to know what real beauty is. I think it's a worth-while journey to embark on :)

"Beautiful"

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

the countdown begins

2009-09-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

Actually, the X-Ring countdown has begun since I registered at St.FX in 2006. However, now that I can say I have tried it on and ordered it, it hasn't felt more legitimate to this date. I am more than happy about my size 5.5, 2-face, 10k yellow gold 2010 X-ring!! It looks phenomenal and I feel so excited.
83 days folks, and counting down.

inspiration

2009-09-11T04:13:00.001-07:00

steps:

#1. find something worth being inspired by

#2. focus your attention and energy on it

#3. be inspired

#4. act

just a healthy reminder i want you to keep in your back pocket at all times

2009-09-11T04:10:00.000-07:00

Single Milk. Half Sugar.

2009-08-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm working at Tim Horton's. Also known as Timmy-Ho's. Also known as the place where old men get coffee and sit for copius amounts of time and look out the window and where hockey mom's get their daily doses of happiness and sanity. Where I will be wearing baggy brown pants, a visor and hair net. Where I will have to work early morning shifts.
Eeee. Haha I am kinda excited. Don't ask why.

My Bucket List

2009-08-23T17:25:00.001-07:00

This is more of a reminder for myself. But if you feel the need to be inspired, this might be a good place to look :)

. Have a window seat in my future house .
. See a National Park in Utah (preferably Bryce) .
. Go to the Philippines to meet my sponsor child, Laarne .
. Sky-Dive and/or Bungee Jump .
. Pierce something other than my earlobe .
. Learn Sign Language .
. Get a tattoo .
. Take a pottery class .
. Own a pug .
. Do missions .
. Make a scrap-book about my life journey (all the big moments) .
. Make a play-list where each song stands for a pivotal moment in my life .
. Write and record one good song .
. Send an anonymous care package to someone who needs it .
. Get and STAY in shape .
. Make a vow and keep it forever .
. Meet Mikey Mouse .
. See RK in concert again .
. See Hillsong in Australia .
. See Paris .
. Own a genuinely vintage dress .
. Go back to Sandy Hill camp .
. Use "Xavier" as a middle name for one of my children .
. Get an X-ring .
. Learn how to solve a Rubix Cube .
. Get a grad degree .
. Stay in the South for an all-inclusive vacation at a resort .
. Go on a cruise .
. Share a kiss in a hot-air balloon .
. Build a tree-house .
. Get a flip-flop tan .
. Have a breakfast nook in my future house .
. Get a motorcycle license and own a motorcycle .
. Learn how to whistle through my fingers .
. Perform a random act of kindness for a homeless person .
. Volunteer at a homeless youth shelter .
. Have confetti fall on my head .
. Own an espresso machine .
. Own a black leather coat .
. Practice meditation .
. Be HOLY .
. Own a cottage .
. Volunteer at L'arshe .
. Volunteer at a nursing home .
. Own something that is real Louis Vuitton .
. Learn how to Ski/Snowboard and live in the mountains .
. Sleep on flower pedals .
. Change someone's life .
. Learn how to BBQ .
. Wear bright red lipstick .
. See a penguin up-close (touch it!) .
. Go to a talk-show (like Tyra) .
. Go black-water rafting in New Zealand .

I'm Not Thinking About You At All:

2009-08-22T16:08:00.001-07:00

Not even a little bit....

Hearts are Magnets

2009-08-21T07:07:00.001-07:00

Tonight I catch the 8pm ferry back to the mainland. I'm nervous. I know Riley is too. This morning I was in his arms and he started this conversation:

"Are you scared?"

"Yep. Are you?"

"Terrified"

"What are you afraid of?"

"That it's going to fade"

At this point, I have nothing to do with this... and neither does Riley. I feel like our "success" (whatever that standard may be) is purely contingent on our faith. It's not based on our schedules matching and having a Skype date every day just to make sure we stay in touch. It's not based on our comings and goings, our good talks and our bad talks. I think we've both come to realize that this is beyond those surface things. I think it has been from the first time we've talked. Jason Reeves's, Hearts Are Magnets, describes it perfectly:

"And it's obvious that this is beyond both of us

'Cause hearts are magnets

Pulling us together"

.............

At this point I realize that the best way to go about this is to throw my hands in the air, tell God I love him, and that I want only his will - his best. My hope is that his plan is what I feel it is. I know I don't need to predict the future to believe that this will be what it will be, and that if God is in it, it's going to be everything I've always wanted and more.

Konviccctttt

2009-08-20T12:54:00.001-07:00

This is how I feel today, August 19, 2009, in Charlottetown, PEI.

I feel euphoric. Like things are good and they all are going to be okay.

I feel giddy. Noodle head never stops making me laugh with his goofy antics, and his wild dance-moves in the kitchen.

I feel blessed. God is with me every day. In the sun, the stars, the sunflower Noodle head gave me last night, and through the smiles that continually appear on my face because of a beautiful person that God so greatly gave me.

I feel reflective. I’m thinking constantly about Irvine, CA, and all my adventures, and what I learned from them.

I feel hot. It’s hot in the Maritimes.

I feel wholesome – the kind of happiness I value at the moment are in the small things.

I feel thankful. I have no money but I have everything I need.

I feel brave. I’m going back to X a conqueror. In academics, socials, and extra-curricular. I’m going to conquer.

I feel hopeful. I’m going to find a job and get more money.

I feel anxious to get things started.

I feel like jamming to Akon all day long.

Thanks For Being My Harmony Line, Riley James Merrell

2009-08-18T14:04:00.001-07:00

I am so lucky. I failed to mention throughout this entire blog that I have spent my entire summer day-dreaming about a particular handsome PEI boy whom I've had the opportunity to get to know emotionally, spiritually, and socially via Skype almost every day that passed this summer.

I truly have never understood the meaning of "match-made-in-heaven" until I met Riley.

I can honestly say I didn't understand what it felt like to look at your complete complimentary companion until I met Riley.

I didn't want to say anything this summer for good reason. I was in California. I was living "the dream." I didn't want to preoccupy my life with a man I wasn't even sure I could be compatible with. After all, our attraction was sparked while I was in California, and I knew I first would need the opportunity to test everything we thought we were feeling in a personal, physical meeting. Eye-to-eye. Nose-to-nose. Hand-in-hand.

My satisfaction level has been raised to an all-time-high.

The best way to describe how I feel is that within this short time I've been able to spend with him in real-life [still feels twilight-zoney], is that he is like my harmony:

[The Reason I Call You My Harmony]

The reason I call you my Harmony is because you support me.

Even though I would be pretty on my own,

You bring me to a new level of beauty –

You make me a more unique tone.

You aren’t present all the time

But when you are,

Your absence makes your presence that much more sublime.

The truth is, I could get by without you.

But now that I’ve experienced you

I never want to try.

The Harmony makes the Melody smile;

It ties it together into a precious composition

& How no 2 songs are exactly the same;

So neither is there another you and I.

When the Melody moves up a key, the Harmony does too

And when the Melody loses its way, the Harmony follows.

The Harmony is a skill – it’s hit or miss

& When it’s right, it is perfection

& This perfection cannot be denied.

Someone composed the Melody and Harmony to flow beautifully together

Not only to bring joy to one another,

But more importantly, to the world.

When the Harmony is with the Melody in voice only,

Instruments are unnecessary and sometimes

They even ruin the pure, sweet, a cappella sound the 2 make on their own.

The beautiful thing about how

The Harmony & the Melody go hand-in-hand,

Is how they compliment each other’s tone,

But they always sing the same lyrics.

The Harmony is the Melody’s compliment.

It brings out the Melody’s best because it is different;

It brings out the Melody’s best because it is the same.

Thanks Noodle-head. You've shown me so much already.

be my escape

2009-07-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

my cat is a muffin

2009-07-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

what i like about you

2009-07-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

why i like the male species:

They’re cute

They smell soooo good (Old Spice☺)

They give you butterflies without even trying

They can make your day with just one word

They hold you (and make you feel small in their arms)

When they show affection in public

When they act like your petty worries are important just to make you feel better

When they make you forget your petty worries just by being there

When they make life seem SO SIMPLE

When the make you chase

When they chase you

When they make you feel worth a lot of energy

How they look when they get out of the shower and their hair is wet

When they tell jokes

When they’re dirty, it’s sexy

When they don’t care – it’s sexy

When they get dressed up

When they are working out and sweaty

When they try and play it cool but you can tell they’re nervous

When they observe small and wonderful things about you that you never realized about yourself

When they take charge

When they kiss you on your forehead, nose, cheek, hand

When they pick you up

When they drive

When they have to do something serious and take it really seriously… I just think that’s cute

When they don’t have shirts on

When they genuinely smile because something made them happy

When you know that it’s you that made them happy

When they listen to you talk forever

When they admit they’re wrong

When they call you pet names or nick names

When you discover that they’ve said something really wonderful about you to other people

When they are shaving

When they call you just to say hey and hear about your day – no reason

How they have tanned backs and necks and white butts

The jewelry they pick out for you

When they give you flowers

When they believe in you when you need to hear it the most (or when no one else does)

When they fight for you

When they are loving

When they play with kids/hold babies

When they are charming & you know they are being charming but you’re falling for it anyways

When they say “You’re beautiful”, “You’re amazing” etc out of absolutely no where

When they believe you are special and tell you that AND make you feel it

The way they will be the big spoon (sacrifice watching their favorite movie, etc) for you just because they love spoiling you

The way they protect you

The way they look in sunglasses

The way they love ball caps even though… didn’t those go out of style in 6th grade?

When they are old school and pay your way into the movies

When they are old school and pick you up at your door and walk you back

When they say “I can’t keep my hands off you”

Dayz

2009-07-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

Ha... some blogger I am. I write all my blogs at once... Muahaha.. just so they come in waves... just so you can't enjoy reading them at your disposal but you must read many things at once if you want to know about my life... muahha...

Life.

We spend too much money on frozen yogurt (Cherry On Top. Coveted. Most adorned.)

We love Taco's and Co. Happy Hour - $1 tacos and $4 pitchers? Yes please.

I think paying my Visa Bill is going to be a long and dreadful process.

I enjoy socks.

Days off work equals beach. Beach equals tan.

Claire and I <3 RockHarbor. Best church I think I've ever been to.

God is weaseling his way back into my life ... haha weaseling. No. He just loves me. And I am so grateful for that. Slowly but surely... I'm letting him change me.

My courses = Dead. I have no idea how I'm going to finish both summer courses by the time school starts.

I enjoy Sandy Hill Camp reunions (Alex from MD. Jordan from New Zealand.)

I learned how to play n64 007.

Kirby Ward. You will be missed. Ashram will never be the same without you. Rest In Peace, friend. I'll see you soon.

Hey Jude, (don't do that thing that you do with the water)

2009-07-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

My cat finds satisfaction in digging his head into tall glasses of water even though he has his own perfectly cat worthy bowl by his food. This causes anxiety. We've had many a spills from his curiosity, but the worst was two days ago when my big orange cup was beside my laptop... I honestly don't know how I would ever pay to replace/repair an accident like that if I hadn't have been so lucky. I noticed right away, dropped what I was doing and proceeded to pick up my computer and literally dump the water off of it, kick Jude really hard, and make my way to the bathroom to take the blow dryer to it saying very loud cuss words along the way.

Luckily my computer is somehow okay. But... note to self.

Don't freaking leave anything uncovered in the presence of this dumbass cat.

Kabuki or BUST

2009-07-04T06:50:00.000-07:00

My new job = Kabuki.

It's a Japanese Sushi restaurant and it's run by Koreans. I guess the best part about it is the free chicken teriyaki I get every shift I work. Haha but no really - working at Kabuki, my passions really are confirmed and can be summed up in one word - PEOPLE.

Even though my manager can be really awful sometimes (yes, mmhmm, indeed, he makes me cry that son of a bitch), I am so incredibly happy when I'm at work. I realized it's because I truly adore people, and I get to be the first one to speak to them when they come in the restaurant and the last one to see them as they leave. I take a lot of pride in that. I take a lot of satisfaction in knowing that I won't miss anyone who comes in to Kabuki in the run of my 5 hour shift. I love talking to people - "What are you folks doing tonight?" "Cute shoes! Where did you get them?" "Oh wow, I love your accent. Lemme guess... Australia?" "I hope you have an amazing birthday!! You seem to have really good friends" ... ETCETRA etcetra

I don't know why I love that responsibility so much. It's not just about walking people to their seat for me - it really truly isn't!! It's about connecting to the people I meet everyday because really - there are so many people in this world and I want a chance to find something beautiful in more than just my close friends and family. I want to reach out and find something in everyone that I can use to improve myself. Even if it's the snobby man sitting alone at the Sushi bar, complaining that I served him regular instead of Happy Hour prices (OKAY - THAT'S TOTALLY NOT OKAY) ... he teaches me to take critical examination...

I make little to no money working at that job. It's 12.5 miles away and getting rides is a total bummer most of the time. My shifts are far and few in between. I am constantly scrutinized by my manager (who, by the way, I still try to make smile and it hasn't happened yet). And the people I work with definitely think I have had too much to smoke. But I realized it's because of me, not because of my cirumstances, that life is so pleasing, and that the people think I smoked too much because they are in their Orange County bubble where people don't take their walls down. Everyone's so afraid to let people in here, and being at Kabuki has helped me realize that I'm not like that.

I love PEOPLE.

Laguna

2009-06-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

33 Mandrake

2009-06-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

June first was the day we finally moved into our humble abode. I honestly could not have been happier with the living situation. Our room (which the 3 of us share) is huge because it's actually a double garage converted into a bedroom (by the wonderful sub leaser Andreas) with hardwood floor laid down, a bar, a full fridge just for us, a wonderful sofa area with a coffee table (basically our own private living room) and a big bed for us to share with a curtain around it. Luckily we also have our own washer and dryer too which is amazing. He also has blue Christmas lights strung all over the room and light dimmers. It was perfect for us, our new kitten and our hookah. Outside of our room, there is a gorgeous kitchen with beautiful cabinets, marble counter tops, and ceramic tiles. We have two large sliding glass doors into a really great backyard and a living room with a large TV. The upstairs consists of our bathrooms, and the 4 bedrooms where our dude roommates sleep.

Andreas seemed really nice as we moved in all of our stuff (which turned out to be one truck and two carloads full of goodness knows what). He left and we started unpacking and organizing.

We met the roommates one by one and they are so great!! So not only was our room and house bueno but so are the guys. Three of the four are in theater... so you can expect some wacky peeps in the house. But they are all so unique and wonderful in their own way.

First, Alex was the first person we really got to know. Found out he's a huge movie buff, and an absolute genius. He's brain is huge. He knows so many random movies, books, songs, artists, etc. Last night he left our little shindig at midnight to go write a play for one of his classes... Not every day you meet people who just write plays and are good at it.

Johnson is the burly rugged cowboy in the house. He's big, intimidating, but a real teddy bear at heart. He does try to be the tough guy but... we see passed it. :) He is incredible at BBQing and cooking and last night just started making homemade BBQ sauce... slightly impressive.

Tom, is great. And his girlfriend Nancy is a real sweetie. Tom has a real skill for piano and word in the house is that he'll just sit at the piano and amuse himself for hours (record of 3 hours and 15 minutes) composing by ear and reading the hard stuff... he's got fast fingers to say the least. Nancy doesn't live here but she basically does. She's a tiny girl whose major is Dance. She really looks like a dancer and I can't wait to actually see her bust a few moves.

Frank is the other foriegner in the house!! He's from Germany and speaks pretty broken english. I've noticed the roomates interaction with him consists of teasing him, and trying to help him understand different words we use. Some of the ones I heard were words like Squirrel and Lesbian. Haha, he's great though and he shared a beer with me so I think I bonded with him.

Last night everyone gathered in our garage room, and we bonded over the kitten and how we aren't even allowed to have cats in the house but everyone fell in love with Jude. We had a lot of laughs last night and were literally in here from the afternoon until midnight sharing stories and getting to know one another. I think we made a really good choice when we chose 33 Mandrake way :) And I'm not sure which was rocked more - us or 33.

Loving it, either way.

HAPPY AS A HORSE

2009-06-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

Things are really looking up. And not only because we have each other. Right now, I don't think things could possibly be more ideal for us.

Vegas = Bomb. It was incredible. I am so happy I was fortunate to go with such a wonderful person such as JR - he really took care of me. The entire trip (3 nights and 4 days) with going to 3 clubs, the formal dinner, the Blue Man Group, and the Renaissance Theater Dinner, drinks, meals, and gas all included, I only spent $60 which is something I don't think many people can say they've done. I am very lucky to say the least.

Alli and I came home from Vegas and enjoyed a few short nights at the Suvanto's and then packed our gear, and headed for the shore - Huntington Beach.

We left on Saturday, May 30th, Claire's birthday, and our present for her was a Hookah - one of her FAVES. Luckily, we got it second-hand from a friend at Sigma Nu, Clint, and basically got it for free. However, when we stopped in Bakersville on the way to Huntington, Alli and I had the BRILLIANT idea to make Claire's birthday even more ideal and buy her a kitten - her other fave. So we back-tracked to the SPCA and found out that neuterd kittens were only $30. It was a done deal, and we picked out the one that stood out from all the others. A soft orange kitten with boogers in his nose and protien in his eyes, and kitty litter stuck to his head. But he was special to us (mostly Alli's pick).
Claire was SO happy to get both presents and I don't think we could have celebrated her birthday any better. We named the Kitten Jude, and Claire also liked the name Hashbrown, so we just kinda call him both. We went to Claire's Dad's (Ron) and met her extended family. Ron made us the most amazing chicken taco's I have ever tasted. The chicken he BBQ'd and the Guacamole was made perfectly. We ate them with Margarita's and I met Claire's childhood friend Nancy Tolman - such a great girl. We went to a really great bar called Woody's and when Midnight struck, I was celebrating my 21st birthday.

The Sunday after was my time to shine as the birthday girl, and we spent the day relaxing (exactly what I wanted), we watched Me, Myself and Irene, and the girls made me Raspberry Coffee and a wheat bagel with creamcheese and tomatoes (my fave). In the evening we went to a frozen yogurt bar called Cherry on Top and it was incredible frozen yogurt. Then the three of us went to the beach with our blankets, and a notebook, talked, and wrote down all the things on our heart, and the things we really want to get out of this summer.

I woke up on June 1st, feeling a fresh start to my life. I'm now in the OC, I'm now an adult, and things are definitely looking up :)

Expect the Unexpected

2009-05-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

So I've come to the realization that this summer's theme will be expect the unexpected. It's when I think something's going to happen that it doesn't. And when I am positive something won't happen (like right now, I'm pretty sure I'm not getting a job... pessimism), that it does.
The day BEFORE Alli leaves for Vegas for the Sigma Nu formal, I get invited to go. Before that, I was pretty sure I was spening those few days chilling in Fresno just waiting for her to come home...

The man's name is J.R. and his date bailed on him last minute so he thought he'd ask me - the foriegner, the girl they all love to call "SCOTIAAAA". I spent the day yesterday scrambling to find myself a dress, shoes, and all those extra essentials for a three night stay in Las Vegas.

I have gone from going but not the formal, then going to the formal, then not going at all, and now I'm going to the formal but not with Blake. I'm going with J.R., and he's so nice. He has a lot of adventurous things planned for us that he's taking care of. Like indoor skydiving!! I have skydiving on my bucket list so maybe I can scratch that off? Haha... cheap...

Anways, it's 8am and I am waiting for him to come pick me up. Very excited but so sad I broke my camera! I will not be able to capture Vegas the one of two times I'll probably ever go in my life!!! I'm going to take mental pictures and maybe I can muster up the words to describe them on my blag. Yes that's right. I called it my blag.

I have many more updates (for example, my latest thoughts on the Greek culture, and a wee rant about how much of a joke exam period is at FSU) but I'll leave it at this.

Vegas, here I COME!!

Trip to the Trees

2009-05-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

So. I will try to explain a little bit better our lives:

THEY ARE CRAZY. Things change EVERY day we are here in Fresno, and honestly feel like I am a puppet and things are just happening the way they want to. But I'm letting them.

A lot of drama has been going down and Alli seems to be in the middle of it all. The fact I already explained about how Alli's parents didn't get along very well with Claire and I - that's only part of it. Also, the Sigma Nu hate on Claire because they think she's a bitch (which, haha, she isn't really but she does give that impression. For example I am watching her play a game of Mario Brothers and she is cussing at the screen).

So after another wild night with the Sigma Nu's at Blake's house (after we became homeless) we decided to get our dresses on, eat some Mexican food and head for the HILLS!! We drove approx 2 hours to the mountains to see the worlds largest living things - the trees.
We took a detour to Riverway Ranch Camp - where Alli and Claire met in 2006. Haha funny story bout that one... :) See video.

The trees gave us hope. We know there is hope for us and that everything is going to be okay. The sunset on the way home was extraordinary... It made me feel at peace. Everything will be just fine. God is going to lead us where he wants to.

All of these things, plus the fact that Claire and I have been working out buns off trying to find employment and we cannot, for the world, find anything. We were seriously considering selling our EGGS - that is bad. But here we are, in a city in Northern California, just trying to get by. I wonder how many more people there are in the world in a situation similar to ours...

We just decided today to move and go to Huntington Beach - Claire's home town where her dad, step mom and brother and sister live. I am more than excited to see what that has in store for us because so far it seems every sign has been pointing towards another direction from here.

Alli found out she got a leave of absence from her work.

So this is how things are panning out.

Oh ps. Yes Blake no longer wants to take me to formal. As I said, frat boys are weird. Eff them.

Worries... worries... worries...

2009-05-18T09:15:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, I have some worries.

First of all, we are homeless. We no longer live at the Suvanto's. Total bummer, but well needed escape from that house. They are such a lovely family, but the problem is, their rules really did not mesh well with what Claire and I are used to... and things were just not working. We left on a good note... I... think... I am a little sad that things didn't work out well there but at the same time it's totally cool!! Because we are homeless but we crash at Alli's friends, Enrique - such a good roomie!! He lets us sleep in the spare room on the floor OR we sleep on the couch too. But clearly, we can't do that all summer.

So we were suppose to live at Sigma Nu (the fraternity) but some conflict has arose between Claire and some of the brothers and now they aren't sure if they want us living there for the summer - reeeeor. Lame. It was only going to be $96 a month each but we're not sure if that is worth the drama...

I am going to the Sigma Nu formal with a lovely man named Blake and I am so lucky we are taking a plane there because Blake's roommate's Dad has a plane and is going to fly us there. So lovely. But I don't have a dress - and I do not have money to buy a dress right now.

Second problem of life is that I have no job. This is rather large. Even if I were to find a job right now it would be minimum wage and only about 20 hours a week. Things are so tight here right now and it's frustrating. I am getting pretty desperate.

Third problem of life is that my credit card expires at the end of May. It hasn't come in the mail at HOME yet, and even when it does I have to wait for it to get to Fresno. :( Sad. I really have no money so that is emergency credit that I can't even use starting in a few weeks.

OH LIFEEEE. I knew you would be complicated this summer. But please start being a little easier!! Please!!

chips

2009-05-12T08:59:00.001-07:00

Me and Claire decided to not eat chips for the rest of the summer (but we're allowed corn chips). We think it would be a good challenge. GO US!

Alright MOM

2009-05-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

Mom says my blog is too wordy: "Rena I read it all but if I wasn't your mom I wouldn't have" haha... so It's boring. Cool. Oh mom... you're such a mom.
Okay here's a point form version of my thoughts:

Frats are weird. Yes I'll say FRATS and not fraternities. I have yet to figure them out.
California is HOT. But they say these are the cooler temps. So this should be interesting.
We have a place to LIVE. Woot. It's at Sigma Nu in one of their apartments. And it's 4 girls sharing one room. Haha. This should be wild.
I almost have a job. Okay I keep telling people I have it but technically I don't but practically I do. I mean she said "We're so excited to have you with us." and "I told my husband about you last night!" So... I'm going to take that as yes. It's at Quiksilver! And I'm just waiting for a phone call.
Claire got a job at Crombie and she's looking for another one. (PS SARAH. I'm getting you the skirt tomorrow!)
I want Tim Horton's coffee. Mom, will you send some? Please?
I love that there are no clouds here. Do you know how rad it is to wake up everyday to perfect weather? Amazing. And it's not a vaca. It's summer residency. :) RAD.
When camp starts, don't tell me stories. I'm going to be jealous.
Me and Claire joined a gym today. Expensive, yes. But amazing. Too much food going into my body lately. Not a good call.
I need to start my online course soon. It's starting to freak me out.
We get visitors this summer. Alex Carlson, Ben MacKinnon, and Jordan Lilley. I can't wait to see them!!
We're going to Vegas on the 26th. I'll be there for my 21st Birthday
It's going to be hard to not spend a million dollars a week on ForeverHoe (that's what they call it here) ... it's just so great.

Okay there was a boring update. No life lessons. Just random stuff.

Work In Progress

2009-05-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like the reoccurring theme in my life for the past month or so has been a deep and dark feeling of loneliness. Not that I haven't had wonderful beautiful people around me all the time to encourage me and hold me when I need it. It's not that kind of loneliness at all - it's much deeper than that. The kind of loneliness I've been experiencing is the consistent realization and the undying truth that the things around me - people, travel, money, school, success ... they're worth nothing.
I know people say that all the time "You can't take it with you when you die" but I think there are definitely moments in your life where you just have to take a deep breath because that truth has never felt more real. When you lose a loved one, when you're heart has been broken by someone, when you are abandoned, when you are broke - for me it's in these moments of weakness that God is building us up the most. I feel so strongly in what my mother has always told me: "There is purpose in your pain." I'd like to talk about a few moments where this feeling of loneliness is at it's peak.
For me, in travel, these moments happen a lot. I don't know about everyone else in the world but I literally feel cursed when it comes to travel. I have the worst luck and I've experienced everything from unplanned 10 hour layovers, to sitting in a plane that wasn't moving for 5 hours, to having my plane turn around 30 minutes before landing. I find that airports and traveling just in general, when you're alone like that, and all you have is your brain and maybe a book, you think. I know it makes me think. Think about my life, where it's headed, what I'm doing. Am I making the right choices? Am I being the best I can be? And I start feeling vulnerable. I start realizing that there is nothing in this life I can hold onto.
My friend Riley explained to me the experience of bungee jumping. I can't say I have ever done it but he said that before he jumped the people working there told him there is a moment, X number of seconds into the free fall, where people literally have accepted death. They come to a place in this quick jump and for a split second, they believe they are going to die and they accept it. This is pure vulnerability. It's the feeling of absolute loss. It's the feeling of surrender because there is absolutely nothing you can do.
This experience, I believe is incredible. Because once you come back up and realize you're not dead, it must truly be the most exhilarating feeling in the world.
One thing that makes me feel very alone is the feeling the no one understands my heart. I have to admit that my mom understands my heart better than anyone in the world, but when people don't, and your heart is feeling something really heavy, it's such a devastating feeling when you know others will not completely know you inside and out. Not even my mom truly does. This happened to me only days before I left, when I came to the bitter realization that people will not know me inside and out, and that I am alone. It's just me, and this heart, and it's mine, and this is my first and last time to live.
It reminds me of the song "Deathbed" ... the man is just lying here in his deathbed. He has absolutely nothing left to hold onto. His entire life, he threw away. He lived, but he only scratched the surface of the kind of joy intended for us by Jesus. He is lying here in his death bed and he says "But I cling to the hope of my life in the next." and I just think this is such a powerful moment in people's lives but I wish that people felt that vulnerable all the time. I wish we acted like we were on our deathbed everyday ... because then maybe we could all realize what is truly important.
Today in church I couldn't help but get choked up as the pastor interviewed a couple (who have two kids) who have been through a lot of emotionally difficult and horrible times as a result of drug abuse in the man's life. And as they told the story, I first realized how everyone has a story, and how vastly different, but how beautifully the same we all are. It's a connecting theme in all of us - pain. And he neared the end of this glorious story about how he really had to make a decision to give his life to Jesus in order to have any hope at all. And at the end, he tried to tell the congregation about what his son told him, and he choked. He couldn't even speak the words because it was so difficult. His wife continued "Our son said, Dad, me and mom have been praying for you for a long time. I'm so happy you gave your life to Jesus. Welcome home dad."
In that moment of the service, I felt a high emotional anxiety about how little I have without Jesus. And how now would be a really great time to start praying more and trying to find contentment and joy in the sweet surrender, and sacrificing my independence for his Glory.
God is the only one who understands my heart... truly, exactly, in the imperfect way that it is.
He is with me in the airports even though I'm all alone.
He won't let us fall.
And he pulls us out of the muck.
He's such a rock of mine, and I hope this summer continues to give me that vulnerable feeling so I can know more what God's grace really feels like.

Bringing Sandy Hill to Frezzy

2009-05-08T17:27:00.000-07:00

Yo party peeps!! So I thought it would be appropriate to bring into the conversation the fact that we own too may clothes and the three of us have the incredible ability to organize our clothes. Let's just consider the kind of skills you get from living at camp:
Sandy hill has this awesome aspect where every single week, new kids come. Which is great. I don't think I could put up with the same kids all summer long. However, with that change means a new cabin, which means an entire pack up, tidy up and move out and carry all of your unecessary boas, squirt guns, toiletries, your string set, dress up clothes, and cabin decor, and re-setting it all up in another cabin. Rad. So sweet. Two years of that taught us how to really make the most of our space and truly "live out of our suitcase."
So Claire and I have a room just for our clothes cause she has a pathetic amount and this is only half of it. It's silly. Just silly.
Anyways, as we were unpacking, folding, and rearranging, we both were amused and how we felt like we were back at SHC. It was such a warm feeling. Here we are, bathing suits go here, tanks here, jeans here, etc. And doing it together, like the co-counselors we always were.
I think it's an appropriate time to quote Alli, in reference to the fact that we have to remember her parents are conservative: "This house is Sandy Hill. My mom is Gregitta. And you just have to eat the shit sandwich."
Haha... except there is one difference - we're the kids!!

crickets two beautiful families

2009-05-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

Growing up in such a small town, you don't realize the kinds of things in the big beautiful world you're so unaware of. I had no idea how important the Greek system is to some American's. Like, I mean, it's a really big deal and living with Alli might give me a slightly biased idea of it (she breathes, sleeps, and eats her Sorority, Kappa Kappa Gamma) but in general, people understand the sentiment of being in a Sorority or Fraternity, even if they aren't in one themselves. By the second or third day at Sandy Hill, 2007, all the staff members were well aware that Alli is a member of Kappa Kappa Gamma, and even I was so skeptical of the entire thing. I'm not really a fan of house rivalries at St.FX - it just doesn't make sense to me why you could want to have enemies on campus just to have a "bond" with the people in your house. But as the summer went on, I realized why Kappa is so important to Alli and that sorority membership is more than fancy titles and prestige. Alli holds Kappa really close to her heart. Coming here, however, I realized it even more. Stepping into the beautiful house Alli lives in, I couldn't help but think "Wow, these girls have it so easy here..." but as I spent my night there, I could see how deserving they were of that. Every girl I met was so nice and kindly went out of their way to introduce themselves, say hello, and ask me how my day was going. Considering I'm not a fan of superficial small talk, I was really impressed with how genuine they are and they all really left me with a feeling that Alli has a really special family outside of the Suvanto's.
The Suvanto's are a whole other story. Alli's family lives in an especially quiet and beautiful area of the Clovis Bubble and the first members of her family I met were her dad Allan and her brother Danny. I felt imediately close to them as if they were my own family and they treated me just that way. The first night I was here, I later met the other sibling, Spencer, and Alli's beautiful mom, Marci. I think it's a really beautiful thing when someone's parents open up their home to a 21- and 22-year-old and I think it says a lot about Allan and Marci's trust and love for Alli that they are letting Claire and I live here for the time being, eat anything we want in the house, and make ourselves at home. I know that's something my family would not be able to do, and Claire and I consider it such a blessing that all they ask in return is a respect for their home. Last night Marci barbequed and we had an amazing dinner on the patio - all 7 of us - and the conversation just made me smile a lot. I love living it up with my friends, but I'm so happy that I have a home-base while I'm here for the summer, and a mom and a dad to come to if I need anything.
Alli's two families showed me why she loves her life here in Fresno so much, and I really thought I should at least put it out there just how wonderful they really are!!

<3

preview

2009-05-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

The point of the blog is to share my California adventures of Summer-Oh-Nine, with my friends and family at home. To begin the journal, I should very well tell the story of our first 24 hours.
My adventure began as soon as I came out of the airport bathroom after brushing my teeth, I looked down the long hallway, and could easily spot my two amazing friends, Alli (Cricket) Suvanto, and Claire Tripeny. They were so distinguishable by their anxious body language and we undoubtedly made a scene as the Trifecta was completed for the third time. The Trifecta is just a name the three of us came up with when we realized how we really are a unit. We come as a package. Especially where we met, Sandy Hill Camp, 2008, our identity revolved around the simple and beautiful fact that we are perfect together.
The moment in the airport was a preview to the summer we are about to experience together.
We all agree that the summer won't be story-book-perfect - and neither will we. But our moments of mistakes is where we learn. What I find entertaining is the surprised expressions on people's faces when they asked me "What are you going to do in California?" and I respond with "I'm not sure yet. I'll see when I get there."
People are so anxious to have their life perfectly mapped. But I'll admit that this summer, my contentment exists outside of the tightly packaged practical and sensible plan I usually have. I'm not saying I came to California to make mistakes, but I am certain they will happen, and my goal is to let them better me while I am here. I don't like talking ourselves up - we are definitely not always the cute threesome displayed in pictures. But with that said, I just want to say how confident I am that being with each other causes growth, and that when I am with them, I can look challenges in the eye and not be afraid.
Not to sound so ridiculously corny (which I realize I've already done) but we really are in this summer together. And like the summer we met, this one is promising to be life-changing.
Summer-Oh-Nine, Hi. I'm Rena. It's nice to meet you!